Jammin' Out

I just love these pictures. K loves music and loves his uncle Matt ... he loves to play the ukelele with Matt and sing songs. They're so fun to watch together!!

It's Showtime!

Back in July, we took K to the Wiggles concert!! Kameron had always promised K he would take him to the Wiggles when they came into town but, seeing as how Kam was in the hospital when they came, I really wanted to take him!! My mom took us and I was so glad we got to go! I'm pretty sure K enjoyed it ... he sat there the entire time with his mouth open, just watching them. It was pretty funny. But, after the concert - he just kept talking and talking about how he got to see 'The Wiggles'! He still talks about the concert!! I guess it was pretty memorable!

waiting for the show to start

the wiggles!!

watching the show

***

In July, I also got to go see 'WICKED' ... which I absolutely LOVED!! I couldn't help but miss Kam, who's ticket I had to sell, but I still loved the show. I would love to see it on Broadway! The music was amazing and the story was great!! I recommend this musical to EVERYONE!

the wicked trailer

He is always near...

Today in Relief Society (our Sunday meetings for the women in the ward) we sang "Be Still, My Soul" ...

1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev’ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav’nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast’ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

I wasn't sure if I would be able to get through singing the song because we sang it at Kameron's funeral as our opening humn. But, I sang and I really LISTENED to the words. What amazing promises in that hymn and what wonderful words. This has become one of my most favorite hymns.

After church, I was thinking about this hymn and I was thinking about how I chose it for Kameron's funeral. After reading a widowers blog and how he shared his experiences he had surrounding his wife's funeral. It got me thinking about the times and experiences around Kam's funeral. I got thinking, 'how did I know what to choose and how did I know what Kameron wanted for his funeral?'

I just knew.

It was like Kameron and I were sitting next to each other discussing everything. It was like he was whispering in my ear what he wanted and how the outline should be. And now that I am 2 months into this "widow thing" I am learning that Kameron WAS standing beside me telling me what he wanted. I woke up one morning and decided on 'Be Still, My Soul' for the opening hymn and why? Because Kameron wanted it and Kameron helped me to know that.

Likewise, I just knew that Kameron wanted 'Families are Forever' as the closing song. I felt so good about that choice and I knew that it's what Kameron wanted. I don't know how to explain the feeling, it's different than having guidance from the Holy Ghost, you know - the "feel-good" feeling you get when you make the right choice. Instead, it's a feeling like ... like, someone up there approves of your choices, that they are satisfied with what you've chosen and that you've listened to their desires.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the Lord's tender mercies in this whole experience I have had (and am having) and today, as I thought about 'Familes are Forever', the experience I had in choosing it and the message it gives, I started crying as I realized that Kameron choosing this song as the closing hymn at his funeral was his way of telling me to remember this is not the end. He was reminding me that Familes CAN be Forever. He was reminding me that I am his forever & ever - as long as I stay faithful. What an amazing promise and reminder to be sent to me from Kameron. I will never forget this promise he has sent to me, as this song means more to me now than it ever has before.

I love my sweet husband. He was always thinking of me first and being there to comfort me and even when he is passed on to the other side of the veil ... he is still there to bring me peace and comfort.

*loving & missing you always, kam*

4th of July & Utah

WOW ... I have been putting this blogging thing off bigtime!! Way back in July ... almost 4 months ago (!), our life was normal (crazy thing huh?) ... well sort of. Kameron was in the ER in Sierra Vista for most of the night on July 3rd. We didn't get back to see a doctor until like 1, I think? I can't remember really but, as soon as the doctor saw Kam he knew that he needed some serious medical attention. So, he did some tests and got a transfer set up. Kameron was transferred to Tucson Medical Center and got there around 5am on July 4th. I went home and got a few hours of sleep and then packed up and headed to Tucson with K.

These are some of my favorite pictures of all time. They were taken in Kameron's first hospital room, before any of the tubes or machines. He was up and walking around. These pictures are the last ones taken of him before he was confined to a bed for 6 weeks and before any awful machines were hooked up to him. I wouldn't normally take pictures of him in the hospital but, it was a holiday and this is how we spent it together.










That night K and I went to find fireworks. I remember talking to Kam on the phone and telling him how much we missed having him with us. I remember thinking holidays shouldn't be this way - we shouldn't be seperated on a holiday. But, K and I went and watched the fireworks at the base of 'A' mountain. He loved them but, they started late and we had to get to the hotel so, we left a few minutes into them.


trying to keep him entertained before the fireworks started:





watching the fireworks





The next morning we got up bright and early and headed to the airport. K and I were flying out to Utah for a little family get-together. I had been assured by Kam that I should still go, even though he was in the hospital. So, we headed out (and this is where the post gets really really long and has a ton of pictures! be prepared!) ...


K did fairly good - our flights were long because of layovers and stops but, he did pretty good. On the way from Denver (our layover) to Utah, he fell asleep! I have never been so happy to see him sleeping!





As soon as we got there on Sunday we went to Temple Square in Salt Lake for K to see everything there. I LOVE that Temple Square, SO beautiful! (And ... funny (and embarassing!) story about this temple, this last time I was in Utah I went to the Salt Lake Temple to do a session and I walked up to the temple and walked up those steps in the front, assuming that's where you go in well, nope, it's not. Totally embarassed, I walk down the stairs and find a couple standing outside the temple and I told them, "I'm from out of state, can you tell?!" Thankfully they were very nice and told me they liked my determination to get to the temple. They showed me where I WAS supposed to enter but, I felt so embarassed!! So, just so you know if you ever go to the Salt Lake Temple - don't try and go through those doors! Anyways .. back on track).





























After Salt Lake we headed down to my grandparents house. K was such a clown there ... he had the audience and he was performing!! He's such a goof!





Then, Monday we went down to BYU Campus and walked around, did some shopping (where I bought a hat for Kam for his birthday, that he never got to wear). I THINK this is the day we went and ate at a really yummy Mexican resturant in Provo. And there was music playing out to the sidewalk and K was dancing away ...





Then, we drove up to Sundance and got out and walked around. I had never been up there before and it was GORGEOUS! I loved it.














Ok ... then Tuesday (for some reason I feel like I'm mixing up monday and tuesday but, whatever...) we did the Oquirrh Mountain Temple Open House. I was SO excited for K to get to go inside the temple because he loves talking about them and learning about them so, it was really neat to get to show him all of that.














And then, we headed to a park in Orem (?) for our little family get together. It was fun to spend time with family because I hadn't seem them for awhile. We played games and ate food and went swimming. K was so tired by the time we got into the pool that he fell asleep in the pool! Poor guy!
K just chillin' ...





Joined by Uncle Brad





Some tug-of-war








Playing 'Old Bloody Tom' ... it's an old family game that we've played for as long as I can remember!!





Some cousin love ... K and cousin Cameron





Then, after the park we went up to Salt Lake and went to dinner and took some family shots that Jeremy (my bro) actually took ...

The whole gang





The grandkids (well, not all of them)





Alright ... then we went to a ... space museum? Science center? (totally can't remember) ... and spent some time there before we watched a U2 laser show - very cool. K loved the show!


This cool, ball thing - kind of like the one outside of Chase Field in Phoenix except this one was 2 stories! Very fun! K loved it.





On the moon with cousin Austin








Watchin a video with Grandma





Learning about space from Jane





That night K had to say goodbye to his buddy Cameron (he is my cousin's son) ...








Then we flew home the next morning.





with our pilot! (Kam would be so proud of this picture!!)





It was a really fun trip. It was hard for me to be fully focused since Kam was in the hospital and I wasn't right there by his side but, it was still a fun little trip.

And when we got home, I got a call from Kam's nurse saying they had done some sort of procedure and had decided to put him into ICU, just as a precaution. I remember panicking that they were putting him there because I knew that only really sick people went to the ICU and when I had left, Kameron seemed to be doing okay (walking around, talking, eating, etc) ... so it came as a real shock to me that they wanted him in ICU. One thing I love about Kameron is he was always so upbeat and positive in the hospital. REGARDLESS of what was going on - he was happy. He was always like that. This day was no different. And this day happened to be his 29th birthday and it was the first time they put him on the respirator. The day we got home from our trip was the first day of many, scary and awful things.

Sorry to end on that. It seems like I can't write anything without relating it to Kam in someway. Anyways - congrats if you made it through that whole thing ... that's impressive.

Big Changes ...

So, growing up I've always visited a certain place a LOVED it. I have always wanted to live in this place and thought it would be such a great place to raise a family. Kameron and I loved visiting this place together and had often talked about moving there if the opportunity was given to us. Well, after Kameron passed away I started thinking about where I wanted Kason and I to live. I considered Thatcher but after a very specific prayer I realized Thatcher was not the place for us. Instead, I was guided towards the exact place I considered a great place to live and had always considered moving. I was a little taken back because I never thought I would actually end up there! But, at the same time I was excited about the idea of it.

The more I thought about it and the more I talked with friends about it - the more it felt right. I started looking at places online and I would get so excited about it. Then, I would get pushed into the cycle of doubt and fear and I would start to ask myself, "what are you thinking?! you can't move THERE!" But, thanks to a wonderful friend who refered me to the talk "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence" by Jeffrey R. Holland, I realized that the doubt and the fear that I was feeling was coming from Satan. He knows the potential I have and he wants to do whatever he can to keep me from succeeding! So, I pushed him in a dark closet (I WISH!) and continued on with my planning. He pops his ugly little head out once in awhile and I push him back in - reminding myself that he is there to discourage me from being happy and prosperous.

SO ... after MUCH MUCH MUCH prayer, fasting, meditating, scripture study and temple attendance I am excited to announce that Kason and I are moving to ... (okay, like 99.89% sure about the move)

Like I said I am EXCITED! But, at the same time I am nervous ... I have never lived outside of Arizona (except for when I was in Kindergarten but, I don't know if that really counts). I am nervous about the SNOW! I don't know if I even know how to drive in snow! And I will admit that I am a little nervous about leaving family and friends here in Arizona but, at the same time ... friendships don't end just because someone moves to Utah! (right?!) And I am bummed they don't have Major League Baseball but, I can overlook that.

I am excited to have a fresh start, to start over - just me and Kason. I am excited to go where nobody knows my story and what has happened in the past couple months. I am excited to go to the store and not get "sympathy stares" from people. I am excited for some new scenery and some seasons! I am just excited about it! I feel like there are some great opportunities up there for me and Kason. I can never know if I like it if I don't give it a shot!

So, I am going up on Tuesday to find a place for me and Kason to live and assuming I don't get an awful feeling about the move while I'm there - we'll be moving in the next few weeks. I can't wait for this new chapter and I will keep all you avid readers up to date! :) Oh ... and you all will always have a place to stay in Utah now! (just don't mind the fact that it will probably be a couch or the floor!)

News : Friends hold memorial concert for Kameron Haban - Eastern Arizona Courier

News : Friends hold memorial concert for Kameron Haban - Eastern Arizona Courier

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A few orders of business ...

• I LOVE this tip!!! I use it all the time and I can't remember the last time I actually logged into Google Reader ... seriously CHECK IT OUT! You'll love it too!
• I am considering going private with my blog ... I'm not sure how I feel about it. I definately have mixed emotions about the change. I know I have thought about it before but now I have completely different reasons for going private.
• I am also seriously go to try really really hard to get back into the swing of blogging normal, "everyday" things ... I have over 3 months of stuff to blog about that I don't want to leave out of the record books!!
• Kason and I got our pictures taken by the amazing Ashley Madsen last week ... I LOVE THESE PICTURES! I will post about the weekend adventure soon (I hope) but in the mean time check out the picture preview HERE.
• And ... finally ... sadly, but surely - I need to find a home for our sweet dog, Dixie. This BREAKS MY HEART to do because Dixie is the dog that Kam and I have had since we were first married. She is "Kam's Dog". She is such a sweet sweet dog and I hate to have to find a home for her but, I just can't handle a dog and a toddler all on my own - not to mention the fact that I am having the hardest time finding a home that accepts pets! She really is a super sweet dog - she is just kind of hyper. But, she LOVES kids and is so good with them. She does okay with other dogs but, really does best if she is the one and only. If anybody knows of an incredible home where Dixie would be welcomed PLEASE let me know - this is really really hard for me to do and I want her to go to the best home possible.
  
  THANK YOU! :)

179th General Conference: October 2009

In our church, they hold a conference two times a year that is broadcast to all of the members of the church, all over the world. We hear from our Prophet, Thomas S. Monson, his counselors, the apostles of the church and other leaders in the church. I LOVE General Conference and really look forward to it each April and October. It is a time where I am able to receive personal guidance from our Prophet and from the Lord's leaders and it is a time for me to feel refreshed and refueled. I was ESPECIALLY looking forward to it this time. Yesterday and today were the days that the conference was held. Last Saturday was the General Relief Society Broadcast.

This year I decided to ask 3 questions that I wanted answered during the course of the Conference. I wasn't sure what type of answers I would get but, I was amazed at the exactness of the answers I received - they were exactly the things that I needed to hear.

1) Why must I go through this trial of losing my husband?

Elder L. Whitney Clayton said:
"Our trials are only a small moment. If we endure them well, we will be exalted above."
"Our burdens help us develop empathy for others....We must mourn with those who mourn, comfort those in need of comfort."

2) How can I still be a good mom to Kason?

Elder David Bednar gave the following guidelines of what we need to be consistent with in our homes:

1. Express love and SHOW it: sincerely and frequently express love. Say I love you often, mean it when you say it and consistently show it.
2. Bear testimony and LIVE it: Bear your testimony to your children OFTEN, set an EXAMPLE
3. Be consistent: Consistently have family prayer, family scripture and Family Home Evening. "Each prayer, scripture study and Family Home Evening are individual "brush strokes" that develop our life"

3) What place do I, as young widow and young single mother, have in the church?

I go back to the Relief Society Broadcast for this answer when Sister Silvia H. Allred said:

"Whether you are young or old, single or married, widowed or living in a family, we want you to bless your life and home with the influence and power of Relief Society. There is a great need to rally the women of the Church to move the work forward. We invite you to minister with your powerful influence for good in strengthening our families, our church and our communities. You are a much needed force for love, truth and righteousness in this world. We need you to nurture families, friends and neighbors. It is through you that God's perfect love for each and all of his children is made manifest."

She went on to say that "Relief Society needs you, and you need Relief Society"

I feel SO blessed to have been able to receive these answers - it proves to me that the Lord knew my concerns and he opened my heart to be able to hear these answers. I am SO grateful for the blessing of General Conference. I am amazed at the difference it makes in my life. When I was younger I could have cared less about conference and took it as an opportunity to take an uninterrupted nap. But, now, I realize the importance of it and the blessing that it is for us to hear from the Prophet of the Lord and receive the counsel that he has been inspired to share!!

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is such an amazing blessing in my life!!

Things are hard.

This is what my husband looked like most of the time he was in the hospital. Tubes all over; down his throat, his nose, all over his arms. I got pretty good at explaining to visitors what all the tubes were. I knew their names and what they did.

It's hard to look at this picture because this was so much of my life for July and most of August. There were a few days in those couple months where the tube was out of his throat and I was able to hear his voice, but I haven't heard Kameron's voice since July 21st, the day they put the respirator tube in for the 3rd, and final, time - 4 weeks before he passed away.

Wow, I can't believe it's been over two months since I have heard his voice.

I also wasn't able to have much communication with him since July 21st. He was heavily sedated the 3rd time around, so he couldn't write, sign or communicate in any way. When they did wake him up after 3 weeks on the respirator, he was so weak, he could barely move his fingers. I hate reliving July & August but it seems to come to my mind several times a day.

Things are hard right now. I keep thinking about my life, how bad I miss Kam, how lonely I feel, what I am going to have to face and it's hard to not break down into tears over these things. Life is scary & hard right now. I try to be positive and have faith but, decisions are so hard to make without a spouse to help you decide. I feel like I take a step in the right direction and then something happens or someone says something and I take 2 steps backwards. I want to know I am making the right decisions for me and Kason but, it's so hard to not have Kam standing there, looking me in the eyes and saying "I support you, whatever you decide."

Right now, I hate a lot of things. I hate how the "world" says I am not married anymore. I hate having to check the "not married" box for legal things. I hate having to admit that I am a widow. I hate the way people look at me from across the room. I hate getting medical bills in the mail for Kameron. I hate having to take care of all the "widow tasks". I hate the fact that I have death certificates in my files. I hate going through all of our things and being reminded of Kam in every box I open. I hate all of the things I have to consider about my future. I hate that I am not being the best mom possible to Kason. I hate that I have to wait, who knows how long, before I can see Kam again. I hate any word that reminds me of death or funerals.

Things are just hard right now. Maybe the shock of everything is starting to wear off? Maybe I am really lacking in my faith? Maybe I'm just having a rough couple of days. I don't know, but I don't like it.

How do I get back to the place where I was okay with everything? Where I was excited for my future? How do I find my inner-peace again? How do I remember the reassurance I felt when making my decisions?

Maybe General Conference has come at a perfect time for me.

I need this weekend more than ever right now.

Let's hope I get back to my *happy place* by Monday.