Life is Tiring ... no, EXHAUSTING.

Remember when this blog used to be fun and I would post pictures and all sorts of cool things we were doing? Man, those days sure seem to be long gone. Kason and I still do those things ... I just don't make the time to post about them. 

Now it seems that this blog is turning into a journal of my thoughts, things I'm going through, the life I'M living. 

And tonight? 

I'm missing Kameron.
I've been missing him bad for the last 4 days. I haven't cried this much in months. In fact, I've cried everyday, at the drop of a hat, since Thursday. And I'm not sure why. What makes right now different? What makes these past four days harder than the ones before? 

I haven't the slightest idea. 

I'm trying to figure it out, sort out my emotions, determine why I'm feeling this way. 

I feel SO alone. I haven't felt this alone since the few weeks following his death. I have these urges to constantly be talking to someone just so I won't feel alone. Any opportunity I have to be with people, I'm there, because I can't stand to be alone. I won't drop Kason off anywhere, if I can avoid it, because I need him with me. But at the same time, I feel like I've been a horrible mom to him for no reason at all.

Tonight, as I read through my blog posts of a year ago, of the weeks leading up to Kam's death and the weeks following his death. The posts of the things I wish I had done differently and the things I love about Kameron ... I sat here and cried. Then I thought to myself: "Will I ever be able to find someone who loved me as much as Kameron?" 

That ... is why I'm feeling this way. 

I am tired of being alone. 

I'm tired of being a single mom and doing it all by myself.
I'm tired of worrying about things alone. 

I'm tired of not having someone to watch my sports games with or my tv shows with.

I'm tired of not having someone to cuddle up with me on the couch. 

I'm tired of not having someone to cook for. 

I'm tired of coming home to an empty house and waking up in an empty house.

I'm tired of not having that "constant". 

I'm tired ... no, I'm exhausted by it all. 

As I was sitting here tonight crying and thinking about all of this and trying to figure out how I'm supposed to work through this, my thoughts turned to Primary today. Sister Thurgood talked about prayer. I remembered her saying how no matter what our prayers are heard and answered and no matter when or where we could pray. 

I've heard that since before I was in nursery, I'm sure. 

I've been told the same principle over and over and over again for the last 25 years. And yet, sometimes, the principle falls from my grasp and I forget about it. I forget how simple it is to ASK for help. Sure, I pray all day about the things I'm grateful for but sometimes, it takes a LOT to humble ourselves enough to ASK for help.

Why is this such a challenging thing for me?! Why can't I just get on my knees, ask for help and then follow through by doing my part? 

I think part of it ... is lack of faith. I fear what my answers to things will be. And because I'm fearing them ... I am not having enough faith. Another part of it? Is sometimes I don't feel worthy enough to be praying to Him.

Silly, silly, girl! How can I think that?! I forget what He did for us. I forget that He promised He would always be there for us, regardless of our lives and our situations and our "unworthiness".... 

He doesn't ever walk away.
WE are the ones that walk away, turn the lights off and close the door. 

WE make the decision to do that. 

Never, ever, is it Him. 

And up until tonight? I had been the one who betrayed Him. Who walked away from Him and had forgotten the support He is.

So, yes I am exhausted by being alone and doing this all alone. But at the same time ... am I really alone? Of course not ... and I need to be a million times better about remembering that. I don't ever have to worry about being alone ... I just need to worry about remembering promises I've been given. And I need to be willing to never give up. By doing that, the only one who has won is Satan. 

May tomorrow be better than today.

May we always remember what has been promised us.

May we live up to our expectations from Him.

And may we always do our personal best! 

: )

6 years ago ...

tonight I was eating Bahama Bucks in Mesa, Arizona with Kameron, Mason and my bridesmaids. I was giggling with my girls about the fact that I was getting married in the morning. I was worried about getting married. I couldn't believe it was actually happening. 

Tomorrow is our 6th anniversary. And never in a million-trillion years would I have imagined that I would be spending my 6th wedding anniversary as a single mom and with my hubby in heaven. 

Never. 

But, I'm doing it. And it's going to come whether I want it to or not. I thought it might be an okay day, but tonight I'm getting emotional about it. I don't want to do it alone. I don't want to face the emotions without someone by my side. And right now, I don't have anyone lined up. And that scares me. 

(I lied ... I did have someone lined up but they got called into work for tomorrow. perfect)

So, I'm sitting here, watching Cold Case, which is a show that Kameron and I loved to watch together and I'm thinking about my life. I never would have chosen this for me. And it doesn't seem fair that I had to research headstones today. I wouldn't have expected to be strong enough to go through something like this. 

Life isn't fair sometimes. We are dealt things that seem too extreme to handle. 

But, you know what? 

It's always going to be better in the end. We may have rough days (anniversary's alone, year marks, whatever they may be) but, the next day, or maybe the day after that, will be better. It's up to US to find the sunshine in our days. 

So, yes tomorrow is my 6th anniversary. And yes, I am having to do it somewhat alone. But, when I look at who I am now, I'm glad I'm doing this anniversary alone. Heavenly Father needs me to do this anniversary alone and He needs me to become someone. I can't become that someone without going through the trials that have been laid out for me in my life. 

Honestly ... I hope I survive tomorrow. I'm sure I will but, not without some tears shed. It's weird looking back over the past 6 years and seeing how things have changed. How I have changed. I have the coolest little boy that I am so grateful for that I wouldn't have gotten had I not chosen to get married 6 years ago. 

My life is hard. But, when I sit down and really think about it ... I'm incredibly blessed and I love my life. 

So, here's to 6 years of being married and for 10 months of being single. 

How's that for a weird sentence?

***

I really do have every intention of getting this blog up to date ... it's just so time consuming and I don't make the time to do it. Soon, I hope. 

Also, thanks for letting me just get that out. It was very much needed. 

Grateful ...

Today, I almost didn't go to church. I was dragging my feet in getting ready. I was hoping my son would sleep in really late so I would have an excuse to not go. I was tired, I wasn't in the mood to wrangle a 3 year old during sacrament & I was just wishing I could have a lazy day at home. But, I grudgingly got ready for church, Kason woke up in time to get to church and off we went. Albeit, we were late to Sacrament but, at least we were there.

Once Sunday School started Sister Schofield said we would be talking about how to prepare our homes and families for returning to the Lord. I thought, "I LOVE lessons like this - learning from the Israelites how I can be a better person." It really made me think about what I need to do in my home, or improve in my home so that the Spirit really can reside there. And it made me question how I'm living my life ... Am I really centering my life around Christ? Or could I be doing better? I've been wondering for a little while if I need to find a new circle of friends. I love my friends but, some of them have some qualities that I just don't enjoy being around. I always get uncomfortable when certain topics, they enjoy talking about, come up. I now know what it's like to be the girl in those Young Women stories they always tell ... the little Molly Mormon in an uncomfortable situation. And I'm ashamed to say, that I haven't always reacted the way that I should. And I hate that I've done that ... but after today's lesson ~ I have a new resolve to be the person I know that I really am and not conform to what society wants or what my group of friends want.

As Relief Society sisters started filing in for class, a girl named Jen came and sat next to me. Her husband was just diagnosed with MS in December and they have been having a REALLY rough go with it. His health is declining quickly and she is having to pick up all the slack for their family. As I learned of what she was going through I couldn't help but relate to what she is dealing with. My heart breaks for her and I completely empathize with her life struggles right now. I had been kind of distant from her because I just didn't know what to say. I had so much going on inside my head that I wanted to come out but, I didn't know how to say it. She had been on my mind so much these past few days and every time I drove passed her house I thought, I really need to check on her. And I had yet to do anything about those promptings.

Well, the Relief Society lesson today was on service & our stewardship. I was constantly being reminded of the sweet acts of service that had been done for me over the past few years. And I shared a quote that has become one of my motto's in life: "Those with true love, have windows in their lives, not mirrors." (President Brent L. Top) ... and I love that because as we focus on other outside of our home, everything else falls into place. We have more time for our lives and more time to focus on the important things.

Well, after the lesson I leaned over the Jen and I said, "I'm not just saying this because of the lesson we just had...but, I want to check on you. I have been thinking about you so much this past week and what your going through and it all just sucks. There's no other way to put it. And if you ever EVER need anything ... PLEASE don't hesitate to call me."

She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "Thank you." She had this look in her eyes that I remember seeing SO many times in my own reflection. Desperate for help, exhausted from the trials, frustrated with the path. I knew it all too well.

I turned to her and with tears in my eyes told her that I can understand the trials. I can empathize with the trials in her life. I wanted her to know that I was there for her, regardless of when it was. We sat and both cried. As I hugged her she whispered in my ear ... "Thank you so much." And right then, I hoped and prayed that she could feel of my love for her. No daughter of God should EVER have to feel alone and lost during a trial and I, again, hope and pray that she never has those feelings. I wanted her to know that I was there, I understood and I get that it sucks dealing with a grouchy husband and a complete lifestyle change.

As I walked out of church today I felt amazing. I felt as if all life's drama was gone, I felt as if I had no trials, no worries, no struggles. I was incredibly grateful I decided to roll out of bed today. I was reminded that the Lord is watching out for me and sending me subtle hints on how to improve my self and my life. He wants me to succeed, He wants me to be shaped and molded in to a certain person and He is willing to be patient and understanding as I figure that out. I am so grateful for the blessing of promptings and guidance as I live my life. I am SO incredibly grateful that I have been blessed with the Gift of the Holy Ghost to guide me down the straight and narrow and to direct back to that path as I sometimes wander off.

Today, I am especially grateful that I decided to go to Relief Society. That I choose to sit where I did and that Jen decided to sit next to me. I am grateful I got the courage to talk to her and say what had really been on my mind and just let her know that I am there for her. My institute teacher said on multiple occasions: Nothing is ever a coincidence. Everything in life happens for a reason. And I truly believe that. Every aspect of our lives are guided and directed by our Heavenly Father. And I am eternally grateful for that because you know what? I wouldn't want ANYONE else guiding my life. As I turn my life to Him, I will be given the best opportunities for growth, the best chances at learning and the most amazing experiences in life. It's all a matter of choice and if we choose to turn our lives to our Heavenly Father and say to Him, "make me who YOU need me to be." ... we will become incredible people and you will be able to see His hand in your life each day. All you have to do is look for it.

This is what I'm excited about ...

Today is OPENING DAY for Major League Baseball.
I'm sporting my Diamondbacks Sedona Red ... and I'm so excited.
I absolutely love baseball and I think I love it even more this year because Kameron was such a big fan (hmmm...maybe it will do the Dbacks good to have a huge fan on the other side to help 'em out.)
It is SO much fun to have baseball on my tv again. I honestly have been in the best mood today because it's the first game of the season. It's also making me somewhat homesick to be in Arizona. But, I'll get to atleast a few games this season so I can look forward to that. I'm just thrilled it's baseball season.

On Saturday ... I'm going on a cruise. I cannot WAIT.
Me and my good friend, April, are going together.
We are leaving from San Diego and will be going to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.
I'm really super excited. I'm a little nervous because honestly, the ocean scares me.
BUT - I am excited to just relax and have fun for 5 days. I cannot WAIT! In Cabo we will do a city tour (and shopping and yummy food) and then the next day we're doing ziplining and repelling. I've got SO much work to do to get ready but Saturday can't come soon enough!

 

I cannot WAIT to take my final and have a break from school. I've loved being in school but, I've got some serious spring fever. I'm actually really going to miss going to institute every week. But, it's been a good semester, I'm just ready for a little break. 

Summer. Enough said.

Walk for Lupus

Can I advertise for just a moment?

Great.

On May 1, 2010 - we will be participating in the Walk for Lupus in Salt Lake City. We will be walking in memory of my husband.

Registration is just $35. You get goodies.

I would LOVE to have as many people that are able, join us for the walk on May 1. I think it would be awesome to have a huge group.

Now, if you don't live in Utah, you can still be part of our team as a "virtual walker". You still get goodies.

Then ... if you don't want the goodies - you can just donate.

Here's the info ...

You can donate AND join the team all from THIS LINK
(please let me know if you have any questions)

Thank you in advance. I really appreciate all the love & support!

Cougs vs. Utes

I got an email about the BYU vs. Utah basketball game and I really wanted to go! So, I texted my cousin Kirsti (who goes to BYU) and asked her if she wanted to go with me. Of course she said yes and I bought tickets for her to go with me and Kason.

It was a really fun night. I was a little nervous about wearing my Cougar blue on Utah Campus but we survived without any harm caused. The best part is that BYU beat Utah by 20 points in that game! It was awesome ... I love rivalries!

Kason, Me & Kirsti

Me and Kason

Kason with Kirsti:

Kason enjoying the game. He was so funny ... he would cheer so loud for the Cougars. He loved it.

Great final score ...

Hiking ...

There was one Saturday where the weather was pretty decent and I was wanting to just get out of the house. As soon as Kason woke up from him nap we headed out to find a place to hike. I decided to start at the base of a mountain pretty close to our house. Kason was in a horrible mood and he didn't want anything to do with hiking so I ended up carrying him most of the way but, it was still fun. It was such a beautiful view up there. And it was nice to get out of the house and do something active. 

This was his attitude uh ... pretty much the whole time:

So proud ...

I love little conversations I have with Kason. They just make me so happy and proud of him! Today as we were walking out of church I asked Kason, "Did you have fun in nursery?"

"Yep!"

"What did you guys talk about today?"

"We talked about Jesus." (this is usually the answer I get every week)

"Oh really? What else did you learn about?"

"That the lady was sad."

"And why was the lady sad?"

"Because Jesus died."

"And then what happened after he died?"

"He came alive again Mom!" And he was SO excited about that!

Ohhh, I love that boy so much. I am amazed at how quickly he learns, and remembers, the things that are taught to him. He is an amazing kid and I am blessed to have him and call him my own. I hope I do a good enough job raising him, that our Heavenly Father will be proud of my work and service as a mother. 

***

On another Spiritual note, just a little something I've been wanting to share ... a few weeks back Kason and I went to Salt Lake and went to temple square with a group of friends. We had walked around the grounds for a little while and then we ended up in the Joseph Smith Memorial Building. We were all kind of standing around visiting, letting people who had never been there before explore. I had a moment where I didn't have Kason following me around and I walked over to the statue of the Prophet Joseph Smith.  

(For those non-members of the Latter-Day Saint faith, Joseph Smith is the first prophet of these times. He is the prophet who restored the gospel on the earth and translated the Book of Mormon. He is a very influential person in our church and there is much to be learned from him and from the type of person he was.)

 I walk up to this statue and I am hit with this knowledge and this truth that Joseph Smith truly was, and continues to be, a prophet of the Lord. I knew at that moment without a doubt in my mind that Joseph Smith was an amazing man and he was put on this earth on the Lord's errand. Joseph Smith fulfilled that and we are able to learn from him. I stood there and I looked at this statue thinking ... What a perfect symbol of Joseph Smith. This is a tall, strong statue and it puts off a sense of pride and power and knowledge. Those are all things I think of when I think of Joseph Smith. He is such an important piece of our church's history and I think that they did so right in building such a strong statue - built of solid stone. I was so amazed that I could have such a strong witness of a man while standing in front of a statue representing him. Since that night I have had a stronger love for Joseph Smith and a stronger understanding of what he did for our church and the sacrifices he made, day in and day out.

I am a member of the most amazing church and I am grateful for the blessings because of it.

Idaho ...

In February I went to Idaho to visit my good friend April. She was supposed to be moving into her house the weekend I was there but, her move in date got pushed back a week. So, I missed that. But, I still got to hang out with her and spend time with her. It was a good little getaway. I had never been to Idaho before so, it was fun to go up there.

One night we went into Boise and went to the mall and we saw this super sweet car. We just had to get a picture by it!!

And we got to meet up with a girl I'd only been friends with online. We used to be in a Mormon Moms group online and had become really good friends from that. So, when I knew I was going to be like 15 minutes from her - I HAD to jump at the chance to meet her!! She is so cute and amazing and has since had that cute lil baby in her tummy!

Kason and her little girl having a blast. They played so good together!!

Football in the mall ...

Kason was so mad when I told him they were leaving ...

The kiddos (probably the  best shot of them all...)

Us with the Ponds:

Kason's Boys

We have some good friends here, the Ostler's, that we do a lot of stuff with. Kason gets along great with the boys (and he calls them, "my boys") and me and Kristin have tons of fun together. I'm grateful to have found such great friends here.

Back in February we went to the circus with them and we also went to a Valentine's thing at the college where the kids got to decorate cookies and make Valentine's cards. I love living here where there are ALWAYS things going on!

At the Circus:

Valentine's Day:

Cookies!

Yum ...

Craft time ...

Playing with Camden ...