He is always near...

Today in Relief Society (our Sunday meetings for the women in the ward) we sang "Be Still, My Soul" ...

1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev’ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav’nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast’ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

I wasn't sure if I would be able to get through singing the song because we sang it at Kameron's funeral as our opening humn. But, I sang and I really LISTENED to the words. What amazing promises in that hymn and what wonderful words. This has become one of my most favorite hymns.

After church, I was thinking about this hymn and I was thinking about how I chose it for Kameron's funeral. After reading a widowers blog and how he shared his experiences he had surrounding his wife's funeral. It got me thinking about the times and experiences around Kam's funeral. I got thinking, 'how did I know what to choose and how did I know what Kameron wanted for his funeral?'

I just knew.

It was like Kameron and I were sitting next to each other discussing everything. It was like he was whispering in my ear what he wanted and how the outline should be. And now that I am 2 months into this "widow thing" I am learning that Kameron WAS standing beside me telling me what he wanted. I woke up one morning and decided on 'Be Still, My Soul' for the opening hymn and why? Because Kameron wanted it and Kameron helped me to know that.

Likewise, I just knew that Kameron wanted 'Families are Forever' as the closing song. I felt so good about that choice and I knew that it's what Kameron wanted. I don't know how to explain the feeling, it's different than having guidance from the Holy Ghost, you know - the "feel-good" feeling you get when you make the right choice. Instead, it's a feeling like ... like, someone up there approves of your choices, that they are satisfied with what you've chosen and that you've listened to their desires.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the Lord's tender mercies in this whole experience I have had (and am having) and today, as I thought about 'Familes are Forever', the experience I had in choosing it and the message it gives, I started crying as I realized that Kameron choosing this song as the closing hymn at his funeral was his way of telling me to remember this is not the end. He was reminding me that Familes CAN be Forever. He was reminding me that I am his forever & ever - as long as I stay faithful. What an amazing promise and reminder to be sent to me from Kameron. I will never forget this promise he has sent to me, as this song means more to me now than it ever has before.

I love my sweet husband. He was always thinking of me first and being there to comfort me and even when he is passed on to the other side of the veil ... he is still there to bring me peace and comfort.

*loving & missing you always, kam*