Sunday, September 6, 2009

Kam ...

If I had known back then, what I know now .....

I wouldn't have gone to Utah and I would have spent those few days with you before you went on the respirator for the rest of your life.

When we were at home, I would have turned the computer off just 10 minutes sooner and spent more time with you.

I would have never let go at night and held you all night long.

I would have kissed you a lot more.

I would have woken up 30 minutes earlier in the morning to spend some extra time with you.

I would have never complained about all the things that used to drive me crazy and now, I really miss them all.

I would have told you 'I love you' a lot more than I did.

I would have never yelled at you and always let you know how much I appreciate you.

I would have stayed at the hospital more than I did.

I would have let you choose the movies more often or where to go out to eat.

I would have let you be right more.

I would have appreciated you more, loved you more, cared for you more, been less selfish and more giving.

I am hurting for you. My heart ACHES to have you by my side. I am so lonely without you. This isn't my life, it doesn't seem normal and it doesn't come naturally. I work everyday to be happy ... I never had to do that with you by my side.

I may regret a a lot of things that I didn't do, or wish I had done differently, but, I will never, ever regret choosing you to be my best friend, my soul mate and my eternal companion.

I am so sorry for all the things I should have done but didn't and I am sorry for all the times I should have been there and wasn't. I will make it up to you, somehow ... someday. I promise you that!!

I will love you forever and for always, no matter what, Kam.

17 comments:

laurdacooj said...

so sweet- I know he knows and LOVEs his Jamilyn more than you know... remember the tear:) xoxo

GRAMEE & GRUMPY said...

i happened upon your blog. i don't know you.

i couldn't stop reading. you must be a cherished daughter of god. he will never abandon you.

and your beloved knows your heart and knows you were really right those times. it wouldn't have made a difference. oh i pray for you. and your baby

dear dear girl.
Gramee

HollySteffen said...

i don't think kam would have wanted you to change anything. he loved just for who you are. and so do we.

love you

Maranda Whittle said...

I'm sure everybody in the whole world would say those things after loosing a loved one. You haven't done anything wrong.

Em said...

There will always be those things that you wish you had done or hadn't done. But believe me he knew how much you loved and still love him. That won't ever change. I know you feel like the heart ache will never go away. It probably does go away all the the way but you will be able to find happiness again and be able to live your life. He will always be by your side. The physical part I think is the hardest. Wanting to be held by them. Give yourself time. Don't let time be your enemy. I had that issues. I hated time. And it sounds like you are trying your hardest to see the positive in everything. Don't give that up. That will save you. After one month had passed after my husband died I had to look at it as not one month since he died but one month closer till I will see him again. I hope this helps. I don't know if it will but I do know how you feel and I cry everytime I read your blog because I know of the heartache you feel all too well.

Heather said...

I love you, Jami.

Emily S. said...

It is a hard lesson to have to learn, but you are teaching the rest of us... We are learning from you. You inspire me. Love you.

Sailing Past Maturity Straight into Senility said...

Jami, one reason you have had the strength to keep holding on is because you had some reserve. That time in Utah turned out to be a great big gulp before you were dumped into Kam's final weeks. Please recognize that we all have regrets, but we also cannot and are not expected to do everything. Life is about choices, and you have made some sterling ones.

Mary Ann said...

Wow, Jami.. You are making me cry... I am learning so much from you. Thank you for sharing your deep feelings. I wish you all the peace you need!

Sarah Pace said...

Don't ever regret anything you have said or done. that is one thing I have learned. keep looking and remebering all the positive things and it will help you. It has helped me. I know its hard, but remeber that Kam is in a much better place and is Happy and I know he wants you to be happy to. Hang in there! Love you!

CINDAWG said...

YOU make me want to be a better woman.

Candace said...

No words. Just MORE prayers. ((((hugs)))

The Tolman Family said...

Jami- I know without a doubt that Kam loves you and knows your heart, keep being positive! Our prayers are still with you and Kason!
<3

Kara, Garrick, Rylee and Jadyn said...

I am sure that there is a not a person out there who wouldn't have very similar feelings if put in your situation, but try not to live in what you wish you had done differently. Hind sight is 20/20, right? :) Kam loved you and loves you for the person that you are and you made his life whole and complete. I know he can't wait to see you, but I know that he also wants you to continue to work at being happy each day without having to work at it (does that make sense?) :)He'll always be at your side.
I love you and miss you Jami!

Brent and Brittnie said...

Oh Jami! I have no idea how you are feeling and I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I'd be such a wreck! Please know that we are here for you if you need anything!
Brittnie

Corri said...

This is so sweet Jami. You and Kameron have a special love.

Jewel said...

Jami, thank you for posting these thoughts--you're an example to me of what kind of life I want to live. I had no idea but I am praying for you now.

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