Friday, December 31, 2010

Dear 2010,

Have you ever heard the saying that bad things come in three’s? I have heard it time and time again, and in all honesty, I’m hoping that it’s true. Because the last three years, have been some of the hardest of my life, and if that statement holds true, then this past year SHOULD be the last of my challenging years. That’s not to say I won’t still have hard times, but it seems as if I have been on an insane roller coaster since the beginning of 2008 and well, guess what? I am SO ready to get off that roller coaster. I’m ready for solid ground, for things to make sense and to not feel dizzy all the time.

I remember at the beginning of 2010 I was so excited for what was to come. I thought I would learn and grow a lot during this year. I was ready for new changes in life, meeting new people, working towards the type of person I knew I wanted to be. But, as I look back over 2010, I’m not proud. Yes, I have proud moments … but, for the most part, I’m not happy with how I handled you, 2010.

During this year, I messed up a lot. I made choices I was not proud of at all. Unfortunately, given the chance, I would probably make those same mistakes. Have I not learned the things you have tried to teach me, 2010? I have realized how stubborn I really am and it worries me that lessons will need to be attempted multiple times before I truly realize the importance of them. There are times over the past 12 months that I am embarrassed of the type of mother I was, or in reality, the lack thereof. It has only been in the last few months of this year that I have truly come to love and appreciate the blessing my son is in my life. I am also embarrassed to look back and see the type of friend I was. I made new friends, lost friends, became best friends and destroyed friendships. At the same time, I know I would not have made it through the past year without my loyal friends by my side. I have lost touch with the gospel and reconnected with it, as I realized how hard life was without it. I have failed many people, hopefully helped some people and unfortunately, fallen short in my expectations for myself.

Over the past 12 months, I have fallen in love, I have fallen out of love, I have watched as friends have fallen in love and gotten married, I have dated some serious weirdos, I have learned from my relationships, I have realized how important it is to date GOOD men, I have understood the importance  of having the Spirit with me at ALL times during ALL situations, I have understood the need to have wonderful, faithful friends. One of the most challenging parts of 2010, is the loneliness I had to endure. There were nights where I would sit at home, and cry because of the pain of being alone. There were other nights where I would sit at home and stew in frustration over being a single mom. Things have not been easy and realizing the reality of my new life, has been a challenge for me.

I do not want you to think that you were all bad … I had some amazing vacations, some amazing memories, made some INCREDIBLE friends and met some wonderful people. I reached one of my biggest accomplishments this year, it may seem futile to you, but I hit the “year mark” of being a widow. I was so afraid of that date, but when I reached it, I knew I had done everything alone, once. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries – I had done them all. I was so proud. I was able to do some serious self-analysis this year, all in good ways, it helped me learn and grow and realize what I needed to change about myself to become a better person. Some of the people I have met this year, have helped shape and mold me into who I know I need to be. I am grateful for that. I am thankful to live near family. I am so glad that I live in Utah, surrounded by some of the best people I know, while at the same time, feeling homesick for Arizona where another group of amazing people live. I have felt so much love and support this year, regardless of my current situation.

So … yes, 2010, you were rough and you sure made me learn some lessons in very challenging ways! But, without you, I would not be looking back over the past year giving myself a pep-talk that I WILL do better in 2011. I will learn the lessons I need to learn, I will do it with my head held high and I will make 2011 a happier year, a year filled with better accomplishments, more pride, and greater personal fulfillment. I want to be able to stand here, 365 days from now and be completely proud of myself. That is what you taught me 2010 … it does not matter what you have done in the past, the best thing you can do for yourself is learn from your past and then look forward and make your future better than your past. Thank you for that lesson, 2010. Now, with all due respect, good riddance to you and may the promise of the ‘bad things in 3’s’ be true!!

Older-Wiser-More Determined … Me!