Just one of those days ...

Or weeks ...
Or months ...

I hope you'll excuse me for the following post. Since I use this as sort of a journal, I need to write it down, feelings and all. So, you don't have to read it if you don't want to. It will probably be boring to most of you. And for those of you who have been inspired by my strength the past month or so ... prepare to be uninspired because it's not going to be sugar-coated.

Since the beginning of March it feels like our life is slowly falling apart. On the outside we may look like we have it all together, like we're happy and doing O.K. But, inside of me, I feel like screaming, crying and running away. Ya, I tell people I'm fine, and most days I am "fine". I tell them this because I'm not one who likes to have people feel sorry for me. So, I want to put it all out there for everyone to know that, even people who are doing "ok" or that seem to really have it all together during the rough times, well we have our bad days too.

Also know, that I feel incredibly blessed for everything that we HAVE been given and blessed with during the past month and a half. I don't want to be seen as ungrateful because I am SO grateful for all of our blessings.

In the past month and a half we have:

* Accumulated over atleast $50,000 in medical bills that I'm not sure are all going to be covered. We're having a real problem with our insurance company right now. A lady from one of the doctor's offices told us that anything pertaining to Lupus (which is everything) might not get covered because Kameron didn't have insurance 12 months prior to this current coverage. What?! How can they do that you ask? It seems SO wrong to me. But, apparently, "group plans" can do whatever they want. And apparently, insurance companies have lots of loop holes that they create for times like this when they don't want to have to pay thousands and thousands of dollars. Don't worry though - I'm going to fight it. What would be the point of us paying $370 a month on insurance if they're not going to cover anything that has happened? And that lady at the doctor's office could be wrong, and I sure hope she is!

* Completely depleated our savings. We had a good amount of money saved up, which I am now very grateful for. But, it's officially gone. All of it. Kameron hasn't worked since he got his gall bladder taken out the beginning of March. So, we've been living off of our savings. I do have to say that I am SO grateful that we DID have that money in savings or I don't know where we would be!

* Paid over $500.00 in co-pays and perscriptions. Where we get the money? I have no idea. But, I do know that we pay our tithing and that has got to have something to do with it. But, $500 ... that's a lot of money going to doctor's. It's amazing how much they make off of a 5 minute visit to your hospital room. One specialist charged $700 to see Kameron for 5 minutes. I couldn't believe it.

* Spent 14 days in the hospital. Well, Kameron has. That's half a month that he has been laying in a hospital bed. I used to have a real fear of hospitals. They are never associated with good things (other than having babies of course) and I was literally scared of them. Now, I just loathe them. I hate everything about hospitals. I never ever want to go back.

* Almost lost our husband, dad, son, friend. That was probably the hardest part of all of this. To think that we could have only had 4-6 months left with him was so scary and hard. I am eternally grateful that this is no longer the case. But, when it was happening ... I was scared worse than I ever have been before.

* Found a lump in my breast. I'm praying it's nothing but, I'm going in today to find out what it is. As if we didn't have enough going on right now the doctor finds this. It's just a little worry, that I don't need, that's been hovering over my head for the past few weeks.

* Lost a job. That's right. Kameron is no longer employed. They called him last night and told him that they couldn't wait any longer for him to come back to work. They had to fill his position. So, we're unemployed. Kameron doesn't have the strength to go job searching either. Right now, I'm not sure what we're going to do. I may end up back at work. But, we need some kind of income. It breaks my heart to think of not being with Kason all day. I was thinking about going back to work at the daycare I was at before I had Kason and just thinking about putting him in a classroom with someone other than me, I was balling. I don't know how I could do it. But, I would have to if something else doesn't come along. Because I don't know where the money is going to come from. I don't know how we're going to pay our bills. I just don't know. But, again, we pay our tithing.

* Since we lost a job, we also lost insurance. Ouch. Now what? We're hoping and praying that we can get on AHCCCS (AZ state insurance) because otherwords, I don't know how we'll do it all. We have too many doctor's visits (with darn co-pays) that we have to worry about. Not to mention all his perscriptions. So, we're headed to wonderful DES to deal with that today.

* And not to mention all the little things that add up:

~ My house is a DISASTER. I kid you not. It is ridiculous. I hate living like this but, I just don't have the energy or desire to do anything. I feel like I've actually accomplished something if I can just get the dishes done.
~ People keep asking how we're doing. I know they're just concerned about us. I appreciate that. It just gets old and kind of annoying. But, keep asking because I'll keep telling. That's just the way I am.
~ Kason is clingy. Maybe it's just me not wanting to deal with him but, he seems like he always wants to be with mom. Which is normally fine, but when I'm stressed like I am, I tend to have a short temper with him. Which in turn, I feel horrible for.
~ I know this is my job, but I get tired of always getting Kameron's pills or filling his cup of water or getting him something to eat. With everything else that's going on, it seems like he's asking me to move a mountain. When really it's just a little thing that shouldn't be a big deal but, it is. Somedays, I don't mind doing it but other days, I get so frustrated that I have to do EVERYTHING.
~ Kason hasn't been sleeping great. He has been waking up a couple times a night. So, I have to get up with him and I don't get any help because when Kameron can actually sleep, I need to let him sleep because it's not very often he gets a good stretch of sleep.
~ Watching Kameron struggle for energy and strength is really hard. He gets so worn out so easy. He is frustrated because he feels like failure as a husband and dad because he can't do anything. And he feels horrible that I AM stuck doing everything. And I hate having him feel the way he does.

~ I am just stressed, overwhelmed, exhausted and frustrated.

Plus, not knowing what is going to happen the next little bit is never fun. I just want to know what is going to happen and when it's going to happen. I guess I'm impatient.

I know everything will work out. It always does. It's just not a fun road to travel. A good friend once told me that when we're going through trials, that's when we're learning & growing the most. So, I need to be grateful for the things I am learning during all of this. And I need to learn how to apply those things to my life to make my life better and make me a better person. I really have learned so much through all of this and we have been so blessed by so many people. I don't think I could list everyone who has helped us in some way.

It's just hard.
I'm having a really rough day today and I needed to get it all out.
It got to be too much to hold it in and pretend that everything is 100% okay, when it's not.
I have good friends that are always there to listen to me and I'm grateful for them.
And now you know, that even if everything looks okay on the outside, inside could be a completely different story.

So, congrats if you got this far & thank you for reading. Thanks for all your support through everything we've been through. I'm hoping that slowly we're getting to the end of all this. Hopefully someday, everything will be back to normal, whatever that is, and we can go back to living our lives without the worry of medical debt & co-pays. Or without the worry of losing jobs & daycare.

Someday. That's all I can hope for, today.