Tuesday, August 18, 2009

You can't always be strong ...

Last night was the first time in my life that I cried myself to sleep.
It was such a rough day yesterday.

I was negative most of the day, wondering why it's US going through this and how much longer we are going to have to suffer through this. How much more bad news can I take? How much more can Kameron's body suffer through? How long can Kason handle all of this? It didn't seem fair to me yesterday, I didn't feel strong enough to handle it anymore.
I cried a lot yesterday.

When the infectious disease doctor told me that the Valley Fever and the CMV are life threatening for him right now, I lost all hope that I had been given. I forgot the promises that have been made. I let Satan get between me and my faith. I allowed the doctor's to tell me Kameron's outcome instead of Heavenly Father.

Yesterday I couldn't do anything but sit by Kameron's bed and cry for him. To see his body fight so hard to get the oxygen it needs and then to still only have 85% saturation. I would cry and cry until he would wake up and then I needed to be the strong one. I choked back my tears and held his hand tight. During one of these times that I was looking into his eyes, I saw 2 little tears fall from his eyes. It made me hurt knowing that he is having to be the one going through this and suffering the way that he is.

I know that he is strong and I know that he has been given the promises of making it through all of this but, seeing him the way that he is and being told the things we have been told by the doctor's - it shakes my faith a little bit. I try to cling tight to the things we have been promised but it is so hard to hear words like, "life-threatening" "poor prognosis" & "mortality rate". And it's so hard for me to not wonder ... what will our life be like after this is over with? What kind of shape will Kameron be in? How much normalcy will we be able to reestablish?

I know that I need to live for today and not worry about tomorrow but that is a hard thing to do when your best friend is the one amidst all the worry.


But, today is a new day. I need to be the strong one again. I need to find the faith that wavered yesterday. I need to show our Heavenly Father that I am learning and growing through all of this. How will I do this? I'm not sure - especially when it seems like bad news is always just around the corner. But, I need to remember everything that has happened up to this point. This whole journey has been filled with miracles and I need to remember those.


So, today, I will get back on the horse and leave Satan in the dust, for he is the one who wants me to be miserable. Our Heavenly Father and our Savior - would never want my days to be filled with doubt and misery.


Here is to a new day, with new hope and stronger faith than before!

56 comments:

Jeremiah and Heidi said...

I have been reading your updates everyday and I am amazed by your strength. You have been so strong through this. Your faith is inspiring to me. I pray for you, Kameron and Kason everyday. Keep an eternal perspective.

Larrabee said...

You don't know me, but I am a friend of Matt's from High School. I saw that he was praying for his brother on facebook and have been following your story ever since through some mutual friends. I just wanted to write you a little something to let you know that people you don't even know are praying for your family. You are such a strong woman and have truly made me look at life a little different. When thing are not done around the house and I get mad I just think of what you guys are going through. It just really has made me hold my husband a little tighter and loved him a little more. So hang in there, there is a lot of people praying and waiting for his health to get better. Tonya Larrabee

Rebekah said...

you are so strong. and you should know that it's ok to break down and cry. we are all right there with you and crying right a long beside you on the tough days and cheering with you on the good. we all love you and pray that kameron returns to full health soon. keep your chin up!!!!

Sarah Pace said...

Oh Jamie! We all have those days. I know that I have. I am amazed at how long it took you to finally have one of them. You have been incredibly strong through all of this and you help me to be strong. I want you to know that. We love you and are continually praying for both of you!

Lori said...

I can still only say, I'm so sorry. You are only human and it is expected for you to have bad days and that is okay, you're allowed to. I hope things will get back to the good news days. I'm glad you like/trust his team there, that is so important. I was going to post about your blog, do you mind? FB me if you do.

Tyler and Brianna Hatch said...

It's always a little easier to give advice to someone when you've experienced something similiar, of course Tyler and I have never been in your shoes. So we just wanted to continue in letting you know that we are still praying for your family, for kameron to get better and for you to find peace and strength. We have been following your updates everyday. What a strength and comfort it is knowing that our Heavenly Father sent His Son not only to die so that we may live again and not only to atone for our sins but that through the atonement He is also able to help bear or burdens, our sorrows, our sufferings and so much MUCH more. My favorite book that I have read about the Atonement is called Gethsemene by Andrew Skinner. If you have not read it, I would highly suggest it. It just might give you the solace you need. You are already such a strong woman Jamie, thank you for being an example to me! Kameron is a fighter and we have faith that Heavenly Father will comfort and strenghten him. And as far as the doctors go, if they say something insensitive then let them know, they need to hear it! You are amazing!

Chesney said...

you are doing awesome. you are going strong, and like others have said, its normal to break down and have a bad day. you are so strong, and i pray for things to get better soon!!!

Stan & Isabelle said...

dear sweet Jami, there is nothing to say, I have had my faith tested and it is such a feeling of complete dispare you are in our prayers as is Kameron - it truly is in the Lords hands and you are such an adorable family, my heart aches for you and I hope that good news can come your way ... today!!!

Kara, Garrick, Rylee and Jadyn said...

Oh Jami, my heart just aches for you and your family. Your faith is unbelievable and such an inspiration. I started crying reading your post and then cried even more reading your comments from friends. You have so many people praying for you and your family. It's okay to cry it out sometimes, even a little healthy maybe. :) I love you sweetie!

Emily S. said...

I love you guys... So much. I wish I could ease your burden somehow, but just know I ma praying and thinking about you and loving you as hard as I can.

Gail said...

You are in your own Garden of Gethsemane my sweet sister. Our Savior knew this day. While He prayed in the Garden, His heart hurt for every pain, every saddness, every tear we have shed...along with suffering for every one of our sins. I truly believe this. I think the Savior saw this very moment, then wept for you personally. It was in my deepest darkest saddness, that I was able to bring the Atonement of Jesus Christ into my heart and make it personal and real. I know this trial is an extremely hard cross to bear and I cannot even imagine the pain you going through, I doubt I could hold up as well as you have. But I do know that Heavenly Father loves you and as you apply the Atonement of Jesus Christ, He will see you through this. Thank you for keeping your Blog going. You strengthen our testimony by sharing yours. I love your family motto: Enjoy Everyday Moments. It is the everyday moments that matter in this life. Even the sad ones. I love you dear friend.

Franknkaren said...

I don't think It's a bad thing AT ALL to cry, as a matter of fact, I think you need to. It's like when it rains all day. It may change your plans for the day but when the rain is over, it is so much more beautiful and refreshed. I am SO impressed with your attitude, the whole time, not just when you are being tough.

I think the most important part is getting back up, like you have. You could cry every day! It would release a little bit of the stress you carry. Then just get back up and keep trying. You're so good at that, the keep trying part. I admire you both so much!

Maren said...

Oh Jami, I am crying for you. I dont really know what to say. That was a perfect post both for you and for us reading. We all need to increase our faith and not let Satan get us down. I love you Jami and think about you often!

Hannah Peters said...

I don't even know what to say except that I am so sorry you are going through this ~ and despite how it feels, it is totally okay to cry and let out all of your pain and sorrow... healthy even.

Hold tight to your Faith and to the Iron Rod. You are in our prayers, Jami.

Mary Ann said...

I can not even imagine what you are feeling. I can't believe it was your first time to cry to sleep.. I would have not been so strong. You're amazing! You and your family are in our prayers!

Olivia* said...

You are amazing! That's all that can be said about you and your family! Love you!

kmelanese said...

Jami, you are an amazing woman!! I don't know how you do it! You are so strong! I just wanted to let you know that you are in our family's prayers! I know we are far away but if there is anything you need let me know!

MERN said...

You are continually in my Prayers. Stay strong, but bust out the boxing gloves if need be and let some feelings out. I love you.

VanBrocklin Family said...

Stay strong! Love that kid! I know you dont know me but I was one of his companions in Cambodia. He was an amazing man! Our thoughts and prayers are with you!

MikeandNancy said...

There are no words to express the love and compassion we feel for you, Kason and all your family. To know any of you is to love you--and we have all loved Kameron for years and years as he's grown up such a good friend to Merri and Tiffany. We will all be here to love and sustain you and his parents and brothers in any way we possibly can. May our Heavenly Father bless you with the comfort only His Spirit can bestow and may you feel Kam's spirit near and reassuring you of his well-being also. Your friends forever, Mike & Nancy Thornburg, Merri, Richard, Ryan,Valerie,& Rylee Regimballe, Tiffany, Roger, Michael, Brigham, & Maggie Solomon, Katie and Kade Koutz and Natalie Thornburg

Summers Family said...

I just heard about Kameron. I am so sorry. I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel any better. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

Garet and Amanda said...

My mom just called and told me about Kameron. I am so sorry for your loss. We love you and your family. I know there is nothing I can say that will make any of this better but our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. We love you all. I pray you all will feel the love our Heavenly Father and our Savior Jesus Christ have for you, and that you will feel the love Kameron has for you.

The Solomon Fam said...

Oh Jamie, I am so sorry. I wish there were words for the ache in my heart that I feel for you. I am so grateful that I was able to be friends with Kameron. I always looked up to him like a big brother. I just want you to know we love you and will pray for you and your sweet little Kason that you will be able to get through this.

David and Tia Palmer said...

I am so sorry Jamie! I hope you know that you are loved and that lots of people are thinking about you and praying for you! My heart is breaking for you and I wish you didn't have to go through this! I am amazed at your strength and just wanted you to know that we're pulling for you and your sweet little boy.

Burdett Family said...

I'm sorry seems so little right now. He was a great man, who was loved by everyone. You and Kason are in our thoughts and prayers.

Erin said...

Jami, I don't quite know what to say but I still feel the need to show my support. I am so so sorry! We will continue to keep you and Kason in our prayers. Love you!

Merri said...

Jami, I am so sorry. Kameron has been one of my closest friends for so long, so I can only imagine the heartache you are feeling. We are praying hard that you will feel the loving hand of our Heavenly Father and that you will be comforted during this very trying time. We love you!

Rachel said...

I'm so sorry Jami. I don't know what to say. Kameron always had a smile for everyone. You're in our prayers.

Scott and Candice Moore said...

Jami, Kameron was a great friend and will be truly missed.We are praying for you and your family and hope you will find comfort during this trying time.

Jeremiah and Heidi said...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss Jaime. Please know you are in my prayers. Love you!

Kendrick and Andrea said...

We are so sorry for your loss and though we know no words can comfort you at this time, but know that Kameron was a great man was loved by all those he has met. Peace be with you as we all grieve for our dear friend.

Grooving Gartners said...

I wanted to show my support, but what can I say that so many of your friends haven't already said. I wish you luck and strength in dealing with what is to come. At least you have your little boy to help you remember to smile and keep going.

katie said...

ryan and i have been following your story for weeks. you have been in our thoughts and prayers (i passed your blog along to my dad who is also thinking of your family) and we'll continue to pray for you through your loss. your strength and faith has amazed me all along and i know it will carry you through.

The Arnell Family said...

I don't know if you know me but you were in our ward for a little while in Thatcher. I've been following your blog for a while now and want to tell you I am so impressed with your faith in our Father in Heaven. You have strengthened my testimony! I am sorry for your loss but I know that our team on the other side has gained a wonderful person. You and your son are in our prayers!
With much love and support-
Tyrel and Dayna Arnell

Allison Evans Brown said...

I know you don't me but I am a sister to Jonathan Evans and went to high school with Kameron. Kameron is a wonderful person and I have time and again looked on your blog and admired your faith and strength in our Heavenly Father. I look up to you greatly.

Freshman year of highschool Kameron did the most awesome thing and gave all the girls in seminary a flower for Valentines Day. He was the most thoughtful person and everyone loved him. He even made me two "mix" tapes of songs that I love and still love.

My heart and prayers are with you. I wish I could do something to help you. If you need anything, please let me know. My email address is alliebrownie@gmail.com.

Becky said...

Jami, I don't know you but know of you through Ashley. I have read your blog from time to time and have come to love your sweet family. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss and our prayers are with you.

Ashley said...

love you jami.

Julina said...

My dear, sweet, strong cousin...

As others have said, words are completely inadequate, but love and prayers are winging their way to you from Indiana (and clearly, from all over the place). I know I'm not one you usually call, but I'll be thinking about you and if you need someone new-ish to talk, cry, scream to... I'm sure I'm only one of many willing ears and shoulders.

Take care

Kachelle said...

i knew Kameron at EA. I'm so sorry for your loss. i'm praying for you

JR and Steph said...

Jami I can't even imagine how you must be feeling but we love you guys and we are thinking about you and little Kason.

Jeff said...

Jami,

Kameron was just awesome... He will be missed and never forgotten. I would like to convey my condolences from my family. Some of his old missionary friends here in Utah would love to attend the services. Please let us know

Jill said...

Jami! Keep the blogging coming sweet girl! You have lots of feelings to get out! We are here for you to hold you up! Look at all the people that love you! My family has been praying for you every single night! Peace be with you. We love you! You are wonderfully amazing!

The Seiuli's said...

Jami I'm so sorry for your loss. He was a great man. You are all in our prayers.

AuntieM said...

We are praying for you and your family. My heart broke this afternoon when I heard that Kam's struggle was over. He fought the good fight and was a valient ,loving soul. My toughts are for you. I'm sending hugs and a ton of love. Marti

A Bunch of Paynes said...

Jami, I don't know you but I went to high school with Kameron. I always loved his big smile and how he was a friend to everyone. I am so sorry for your loss. You and your son are in my prayers. Love, Keri Payne, used to be Pearce

Clint and Tiffany said...

Jami, we are so sorry. Your family has been in our prayers and we will continue to pray for you and Kason. Don't be afraid to let it out! It gets easier I promise! Tomorrow will be 3 years since we lost our little brother JT. It may seem that nothing will ease the hurt now, but rely on those who love you. They will bring you peace. We wish we were closer to you, but are glad you have family near.

Jane said...

Jami, When the Lord calls our loved ones home, he leaves a gift of memories in exchange. My heart aches for you. I am sorry for your huge loss. Love, Jane

Skinners said...

Jami, You don't know me but I knew Kameron. My heart aches for your family and please know that my thoughts and prayers are will you.
~Courtney Skinner

Chris N. Sieler (Number 1) said...

My Prayers are with you tonight. My family stands ready to do anything to help. I believe that we will see Kameron again. I believe that through the gift of the resurrection of Jesus Christ we will all be resurrected. I believe that through the atonement of Jesus Christ we will be able to have eternal life which is the greatest gift of God. Love Brother Sieler and Family

The Wheeler 5 said...

Kameron was such a great guy who comes from an amazing family.
Ashley Wheeler
(I went to high school with Kameron, Wes Miner's sister.)

The Sawyer Bunch said...

I love you so much Jami. I wish I had something more to offer you, but you are in my thoughts and prayers. I <3 you!

tara.and.ben said...

As a mother and a wife-even tho I am a stranger to you, I share your grief. Your faith is more important than ever now. You'll be together again. You are in our prayers.

claytonstaceymowersfamily said...

I have been following your blog through Becky Buhr's blog and I have been at awe of your strength going through this trial in your life. I think of you often and I truly know you will be with the love of your life again! Be strong and just know you are very loved by many, even some that don't even know you.

My dad went through something similar...he was in the hospital for 51 days before losing the battle. Stay close to your family and it is posible to get through this.

Shawnda and Nathan Mills said...

Hey Jami! Just want you to know that I Love You! Your in our prayers.

L Stone said...

Jami, words cannot express sad we are to hear of your loss. We have been praying for your family, and will continue to. Jordan is heart broken he was in Kameron's 11 year old scouts and really looked up to him. We appreciate the role model he has been for our son. We love and pray for your family.

The Stones

Van and Rhonda said...

Jami ~ Just wanted you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. You don't know me well I have met you because I used to be in 2nd ward before we moved out to Bisbee Ward. I have been friends with the Habans for years. What a huge loss but I know that our Heavenly Father needed him and that is why he was sent home. I know it is so difficult right now but it will get a little easier. I have been following your blog for awhile now and I know that the promises that you were made in regards to Kameron may not of happened in this life but they will happen in the next. You and Kameron are ETERNAL BEST FRIENDS so never forget that. You are a very sweet girl with a giant testimony so cling to that. Our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are such great examples to us all so stay close to them and all of us that love your sweet family. If there is anything I can do please don't hesitate to email me or call. My email address is rhondamomof5@hotmail.com and my phone is 249-1980. Take care and know you and Kason are in my thoughts and prayers. Love, Rhonda Larson

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