Saturday, October 3, 2009

Things are hard.


This is what my husband looked like most of the time he was in the hospital. Tubes all over; down his throat, his nose, all over his arms. I got pretty good at explaining to visitors what all the tubes were. I knew their names and what they did.


It's hard to look at this picture because this was so much of my life for July and most of August. There were a few days in those couple months where the tube was out of his throat and I was able to hear his voice, but I haven't heard Kameron's voice since July 21st, the day they put the respirator tube in for the 3rd, and final, time - 4 weeks before he passed away.

Wow, I can't believe it's been over two months since I have heard his voice.


I also wasn't able to have much communication with him since July 21st. He was heavily sedated the 3rd time around, so he couldn't write, sign or communicate in any way. When they did wake him up after 3 weeks on the respirator, he was so weak, he could barely move his fingers. I hate reliving July & August but it seems to come to my mind several times a day.


Things are hard right now. I keep thinking about my life, how bad I miss Kam, how lonely I feel, what I am going to have to face and it's hard to not break down into tears over these things. Life is scary & hard right now. I try to be positive and have faith but, decisions are so hard to make without a spouse to help you decide. I feel like I take a step in the right direction and then something happens or someone says something and I take 2 steps backwards. I want to know I am making the right decisions for me and Kason but, it's so hard to not have Kam standing there, looking me in the eyes and saying "I support you, whatever you decide."


Right now, I hate a lot of things. I hate how the "world" says I am not married anymore. I hate having to check the "not married" box for legal things. I hate having to admit that I am a widow. I hate the way people look at me from across the room. I hate getting medical bills in the mail for Kameron. I hate having to take care of all the "widow tasks". I hate the fact that I have death certificates in my files. I hate going through all of our things and being reminded of Kam in every box I open. I hate all of the things I have to consider about my future. I hate that I am not being the best mom possible to Kason. I hate that I have to wait, who knows how long, before I can see Kam again. I hate any word that reminds me of death or funerals.

Things are just hard right now. Maybe the shock of everything is starting to wear off? Maybe I am really lacking in my faith? Maybe I'm just having a rough couple of days. I don't know, but I don't like it.


How do I get back to the place where I was okay with everything? Where I was excited for my future? How do I find my inner-peace again? How do I remember the reassurance I felt when making my decisions?


Maybe General Conference has come at a perfect time for me.

I need this weekend more than ever right now.

Let's hope I get back to my *happy place* by Monday.

18 comments:

HollySteffen said...

Jami, I sincerely love and admire you. It's OKAY to feel like things are hard. It's OKAY to cry and to feel lonely.

Remember that Kam is still with you- he always will be.

I love conference and I'm sure they will say everything you need to hear. Love you!

Ashley said...

Jami, if you lacked faith you'd have given up by now. You are an excellent wife and outstanding mother. You are doing the best you can for your son and yourself and anyone who thinks differently can sit on a tack.

I know you don't think so but you're doing amazingly well for someone whose best friend moved on without them. I know your lonely and I wish I could take some of that hurt from you so it wouldn't be so much at once. You know you can call and chat whenever you need to right? I know Kam is the one you want to talk to but maybe bouncing ideas off of friends will help. We're here for you because you're wonderful and we love you. I wish there was more we could do.

You seriously amaze me. Love you.

Maranda Whittle said...

That's thik YOU are exactly what General Conference is for!

RaCHELLE HuRD said...

Jami, sweet girl...
I know there's nothing I can say to make you feel better. But don't feel guilty for the way you are feeling. It's ok to feel upset, mad, lonesome. And hate away at the words: death, funeral, hospital, widow, and sorry. I HATED the word "sorry" for several months after my mom passed away. I don't hate it anymore though. :) just do things on your own time. Don't rush into throwing things away or making decisions unless you really have to yet. are you so excited for general conference?!? i am! i am totally in need of it this time around. well.. know that i'm thinking about you! hope you have a better day today.

Maren said...

jami,
its ok to have these feelings and go thru the motions of life. i cant even imagine how hard it is for you. my only suggestion is to go to the temple. like ryan said in his prayer, you will find peace and comfort there and you will never be closer to kam or Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ than in that building! bring kason over and i will watch him. love you girl and i think about you all the time!!

Heather said...

Jami, please don't, for a second, think that you are lacking in faith. It is okay to have these emotions, but even so, I am sorry that you do. I will be thinking of and praying for you this Conference weekend so you may feel the peace you so desire.

Nina Fenn said...

i love you although we've never met. your going through so much and everything you feel is understandable. believe it or not, you help me. hate it all- no one blames you, i hate it too for you! i'll be thinking and praying for you, take care of yourself~

Candace said...

Jami, oh how I hope & pray that you will receive the comfort & inspiration you so desperately need during this Conference weekend! I KNOW that our Father in Heaven is intimately involved in the details of our lives & DOES answer our prayers. You are loved.

Chesney said...

things are going to be hard. there will be up times and down times. its been 2 1/2 years since my brother passed away. yesterday we planted a tree for him next to his grave. it brought so many memories back for my mom and made it a hard week for her. its okay. its okay to have thos hard times when you feel like your faith is lacking. just never forget that Heavenly Father is very aware of you and knows what youre going through. you also have so many people who love you and pray for you often. youre doing great jami.

Heather and Ryan said...

I know you don't know me. I found you through sarah (ellerman) pace. I have found a lot of comfort through your experiences. I KNOW it is hard for you. You are definitely a light to others around you, whether you know it or not. You are facing challenging times right now, but they won't last forever. It is GOOD for you to feel so much hate. Those feelings are a part of the healing process and you won't be able to heal without experiencing them. Over time, those feeling will be placed with other feelings, just as strong. One day you will wake up and look back and see how those feelings made you a stronger person, a better mother and and better wife (yes, you are still a wife, no matter what the world says). It will be hard each day, but remember to look for all the happiness in your life: your son, all the wonderful cute things that he does, the peace that you feel knowing that you are sealed to your husband, the light of the gospel in your life. God is always there, He is crying with you and carrying you through this. He knows your sadness and your pain. He know you and He loves you. Thank you for sharing your testimony with everyone and for being a light to our lives. Through your struggles you have helped many. Thank you.

Jewel said...

I know that the weeks and months following all of the visitors and the services--the times where you have to get back to dealing with the real world--are the hardest to deal with. You're doing a wonderful job as Kason's mother, and I know that you're a faithful Saint who is just going through an EXTREMELY hard time right now. I thought of you so much during conference today, and I hope you found a little bit of the peace you were trying to regain. Like so many others have said to you, there will be good times and there will be times when you don't think you'll be able to continue--but you'll make it, because you're strong, and because so many people are praying for you--in temples, even. I love you.

kelly said...

Hey lady. I have very little to say to this post because I have NOT been there BUT I do know that your attitude is so right on. You're looking forward to the things you know matter most, like general conference, and you acknowledge that things are ok but you know that they can be agagin. I'm so impressed by that because I can't imagine having that same train of thought. You are such a strong woman and I KNOW the Lord loves you... mostly because I just know it and also because general conference told me, about 1,000 times. :) Hang in there.

Misty said...

Jami~ I am a friend of Emily's and I just wanted to let you know that my thoughts and prayers continue to be with you daily!

Erin said...

Hey Jami- Wow, you're human :) I would be the same way...so don't worry about "not having faith." That's not it, you just miss your husband. Thinking about you all the time! Hope the next few days are better for you!

Em said...

Believe me this is all normal. Every emotion you experience, every heartache. Every look you get from everyone. I hated and still hate those looks of pitty that people give you when they know or find out that your husband past away. YOU WILL have your good days. Sometimes they are far and few between and sometimes they will far out number the bad ones. Don't sweat the small stuff. I know right after my husband died I seemed to be in such a rush to just get it all done and out of the way. Get things organinzed taken care of and I tried so hard to get my life as normal as possible for me and my kids. Its not an easy task. But Kam is there beside you 100% of the way supporting you whispering in your ear letting you know he supports you in ever decision you make. He's also there for Kason when you can't be because of whatever reason at the time. Those memories you have of him are hard but they are what make you, you and will continue to make you, you. They will build you up and you'll be able to look at those trials with different eyes as you face the other trials that come with life. I used to call my husbands cell phone and leave messages for him in the days after he asperiated (sp) and was put on a breathing machine. I knew he'd never hear them but somehow they made me feel better. There will be plenty of times that you will feel that your faith is being tried. This is Satan's way of making you feel like you are never going to make it. You will. I promise. You are a fighter, you are stronger than you ever imagined possible, and you are LUCKY! You have Kam that believes in you just as much as your Father in Heaven does. You have two people who have more faith in you than you can ever imagine! Don't feel too discouraged. Just know that this is all natural and you will be able to make it. Take it one day at a time, that's what I had to do and still have to at times. Cause tomorrow is always another day and it is one day closer to you seeing Kam.

laurdacooj said...

I love you Jami. and I really liked what Holly said up there- it's OKAY to feel these things, even though they are yucky, they are part of grieving- I love you, and think you are great... I'm still watching conference and constantly thinking about you:)

Kara, Garrick, Rylee and Jadyn said...

Oh Jami, I hope that this conference weekend has brought you some peace and comfort and maybe some answers you have been looking for. You have been doing an AMAZING job in all aspects considering what you are going through. I had to laugh when I saw Erin's comment that said something like "you are human!" because it's true. It's ok and normal to feel these things. You know you can always call if you feel like talking about things, or if you just feel like being distracted. I'm here for either! ;) I love you Jami and I hope you know how much respect and admiration I have for you.

kmelanese said...

Jami, I am so sorry you are having a bad couple of days. I can't imagine how you are feeling. I hope that conference has helped you! Just know that you have so many people praying for you and thinking about you! I love you!!!

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