Thursday, June 24, 2010

6 years ago ...

tonight I was eating Bahama Bucks in Mesa, Arizona with Kameron, Mason and my bridesmaids. I was giggling with my girls about the fact that I was getting married in the morning. I was worried about getting married. I couldn't believe it was actually happening. 

Tomorrow is our 6th anniversary. And never in a million-trillion years would I have imagined that I would be spending my 6th wedding anniversary as a single mom and with my hubby in heaven. 

Never. 

But, I'm doing it. And it's going to come whether I want it to or not. I thought it might be an okay day, but tonight I'm getting emotional about it. I don't want to do it alone. I don't want to face the emotions without someone by my side. And right now, I don't have anyone lined up. And that scares me. 

(I lied ... I did have someone lined up but they got called into work for tomorrow. perfect)

So, I'm sitting here, watching Cold Case, which is a show that Kameron and I loved to watch together and I'm thinking about my life. I never would have chosen this for me. And it doesn't seem fair that I had to research headstones today. I wouldn't have expected to be strong enough to go through something like this. 
Life isn't fair sometimes. We are dealt things that seem too extreme to handle. 

But, you know what? 

It's always going to be better in the end. We may have rough days (anniversary's alone, year marks, whatever they may be) but, the next day, or maybe the day after that, will be better. It's up to US to find the sunshine in our days. 

So, yes tomorrow is my 6th anniversary. And yes, I am having to do it somewhat alone. But, when I look at who I am now, I'm glad I'm doing this anniversary alone. Heavenly Father needs me to do this anniversary alone and He needs me to become someone. I can't become that someone without going through the trials that have been laid out for me in my life. 

Honestly ... I hope I survive tomorrow. I'm sure I will but, not without some tears shed. It's weird looking back over the past 6 years and seeing how things have changed. How I have changed. I have the coolest little boy that I am so grateful for that I wouldn't have gotten had I not chosen to get married 6 years ago. 

My life is hard. But, when I sit down and really think about it ... I'm incredibly blessed and I love my life. 

So, here's to 6 years of being married and for 10 months of being single. 

How's that for a weird sentence?

***

I really do have every intention of getting this blog up to date ... it's just so time consuming and I don't make the time to do it. Soon, I hope. 

Also, thanks for letting me just get that out. It was very much needed. 

26 comments:

Nicole said...

<3

Bon said...

happy anniversary jami! i know that's a weird thing to say, but as hard as being alone is on this day-it's still a day to celebrate yours and kam's marriage and i'm positive that was great (no matter how long or short it was). being alone (and especially a mom) only will make you stronger. you can do it!

kmelanese said...

If anyone can do it, it's you! ((HUGS))

Jakki said...

you are right...it is up to us to find the sunshine in our days...no matter how dark the day is.

i pray for you peace and for your strength to make it through today...

God Bless...

The Other Oyler's said...

Hang in there Jami. Take this day and just let yourself feel these emotions and let them take their toll on you. Let it all out. Then tomorrow will be such a better day.
After I got divorced days like these came and I was grateful for them because I let myself mourn for a little bit without feeling guilty and I think it was really healthy.

Lara said...

Hugs to you.

The Hargrove Family said...

Your post was a tear-jerker! I tried putting myself in your shoes and my mind wouldn't even let me really even THINK about my hubby being gone. Oof. I think I might die in my young age of LONELINESS! I'm glad you have such great friends, family and in-laws to help you out. : ) Hope you're well. Good luck today!!! You can call me if you need a chat! 505-350-5247

Heidi Joncas said...

You are such a strong person. I really am not sure what else to say :) because every post you make is so well put together. Here's to a happy 6th anniversary tomorrow. I hope you can find some peace tomorrow.

Brie said...

Just remember, you are never really alone. Sometimes we need reminded of that and Elder McConkie does a great job.

"…We know that on some level Jesus experienced the totality of mortal existence in Gethsemane. It’s our faith that he experienced everything- absolutely everything. Sometimes we don’t think through the implications of that belief. We talk in great generalities about the sins of all humankind, about the suffering of the entire human family. But we don’t experience pain in generalities. We experience it individually. That means Jesus knows what it felt like when your mother died of cancer- how it was for your mother, how it still is for you. He knows what it felt like to lose the student-body election. He knows that moment when the brakes locked, and the car started to skid. He experienced the slave ship sailing from Ghana toward Virginia. He experienced the gas chambers at Dachau. He experienced napalm in Vietnam. He knows about drug addiction and alcoholism.

There is nothing you have experienced as a woman that he does not also know and recognize. On a profound level, he understands about pregnancy and giving birth. He know about PMS and cramps and menopause. He understands about rape and infertility and abortion.

His last recorded words to his disciples were, ‘And, lo, I am with you always even unto the end of the world.’ (Matt.28: 20) What does that mean? It means he understands your mother-pain when your five year old leaves for kindergarten, when a bully picks on your fifth-grader, when your daughter calls to say that the new baby has Down’s syndrome. He knows your mother-rage when a trusted babysitter sexually abuses your two-year-old, when someone gives your thirteen-year-old drugs, when someone seduces your seventeen-year-old.

He knows the pain you live with when you come home to a quiet apartment where the only children who ever come are visitors, when you hear that your former husband and his new wife were sealed in the temple last week, when your fiftieth wedding anniversary rolls around and your husband has been dead for two years. He knows all that. He’s been there. He’s been lower than all that.”

I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers today, and I admire your courage and positive attitude. I think you are becoming (and already are) a wonderful, amazing person!

~*Jen*~ said...

It's our experiences in life that shape us into the people we are, and it's awesome that you already realize it! It doesn't make the pain go away, but that knowledge makes it just a tad easier to bear. Love ya! :D

Ashley said...

love you.

Tanja said...

Thinking of you Jami! You have so many people that love you and are rooting for you. I am so proud of you! I hope you manage to have a nice day despite the emotional day it will be.
Love,
Tanja

mom2ky said...

HUGS!! Hope you had a great day, despite the sadness!

Lindsey said...

Wow, I hope yesterday went well and you were able to be surrounded by people who love you!!!

Haymore Family said...

You made it! You have done so awesome this year and I can't believe how quick it actually went by, now you can take a breath because next year is just that much easier! I am proud of you, you have done it well! time to party that you made it:)

The Youngs said...

I love u Jami! U are so inspiring and u are so strong. I know at times u feel weak but I know that as u keep turning to the Lord for strength, u will be suprised what he will make of u. I'm am so grateful for this gospel and for temples. I am so happy that you and Kameron are en eternal unit. These blessings give meaning to life. I am so happy that I found the church and that I too can have these blessings in my life :)
Today will be hard but I know that Kameron is rejoicing at the fact that he has an amazing woman as his eternal companion and wants you to rejoice with him. He is always right beside u :)

De Javu Crafts said...

i will be thinking of you! Hope things turn around for you tomorrow! Go out with Kason, do something you would want to do with Kam and do it with Kason!

Clint and Tiffany said...

I hope you were able to enjoy the day {as much as possible at least}. What did you end up doing? I thought about you and said a prayer for ya. You have my permission to eat a WHOLE pint of ice cream and not share with anyone {except Kason... unless you're sneaky like I am and wait until he's asleep...} LOL

Jewel said...

Sure love you, and love your incredible attitude and faith. I wish I could be there for you, but know that I'll be praying for and thinking of you!

Kara, Garrick, Rylee and Jadyn said...

Oh Jami, I'm sorry your anni was tuff and I know these next 6 weeks will probably be hard too (I wish I could be there to hug you!), but I hope you continue keeping your head up and looking at all the positives in your life. You are blessed and have SO many people who love and care about you! Love you!!!

Kamber said...

Jami, I stumbled upon your blog through the ldswidows website. I too am a single mom that became widowed in August of 2008 a month before the birth of our first baby, a little boy. I loved reading a lot of your posts because I feel I can relate to you so well! my email address is kamber.ellsworth@gmail.com if you want to be pen pals or something. Your testimony is so strong I can tell from your blog posts. What a wonderful perspective you have!

-Kamber Ellsworth

{ Bethany } said...

I just stumbled onto your blog while searching for something completely unrelated, and while skimming your post was surprised to read the ending. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

I went back and read through your posts of your time in the hospital. It just reminded me so much of our time in the hospital with our little boy who passed away almost two years ago. He had something different than your husband, but the symptoms and the way they died were very similar. It brought a lot of tears, for me and for you, and your little boy.

I don't know why it always surprises me to come across others who have dealt with death at such a young age, but it always does. It isn't very fair, and its hard to sometimes find others who 'get it' at this stage in our life.

I also noticed that we were sealed by the same temple sealer (I live in Mesa, too!), who happens to be my great-uncle Bud! I was very close with Virginia while I was growing up (she's my grandpa's sister!).

Anyway, I'd love to chat with you sometime over e-mail...my e-mail is in my blogger profile.

~Bethany

www.bethandre.blogspot.com

{ Bethany } said...

I'll just give you my e-mail since you have the comment approval on, you can just delete this comment though. :)

bethany@bethandre.com

~Bethany

ameneou said...

Jami
Don't know you personally but have been following both your blogs for quite a while. I look forward to hearing how you and your son are doing and was so bummed this morning to see widder has gone private!! Is there any way I can be added?? My email is aprilynnm20@yahoo.com
I think you are such an inspiration!
April

Sally said...

Hi Jami! (Love the spelling of your name, by the way.) My name is Sally and I'm married to Nate Cluff who served in Cambodia along the same time as your husband Kameron. I was first introduced to your story from Brian Springer (another mission companion) and President Colton when your husband was so sick. I've thought about you often and have prayed for your family to have strength and the blessings you need. I've been following your story through your widder woman blog but haven't been able to since it's now private. Would it be too much to ask for an invite? I really enjoyed your writing. Thanks!

Sally
nscluff@gmial.com

Tamara ViAnn said...

Ummmmmm somehow I missed that your widder blog went private. Can I get an invite?!?!?!?! I'm dying here for an update.

tvsorensen (at) gmail (dot) com

Thanks!

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