tonight I was eating Bahama Bucks in Mesa, Arizona with Kameron, Mason and my bridesmaids. I was giggling with my girls about the fact that I was getting married in the morning. I was worried about getting married. I couldn't believe it was actually happening.
Tomorrow is our 6th anniversary. And never in a million-trillion years would I have imagined that I would be spending my 6th wedding anniversary as a single mom and with my hubby in heaven.
But, I'm doing it. And it's going to come whether I want it to or not. I thought it might be an okay day, but tonight I'm getting emotional about it. I don't want to do it alone. I don't want to face the emotions without someone by my side. And right now, I don't have anyone lined up. And that scares me.
(I lied ... I did have someone lined up but they got called into work for tomorrow. perfect)
So, I'm sitting here, watching Cold Case, which is a show that Kameron and I loved to watch together and I'm thinking about my life. I never would have chosen this for me. And it doesn't seem fair that I had to research headstones today. I wouldn't have expected to be strong enough to go through something like this.
Life isn't fair sometimes. We are dealt things that seem too extreme to handle.
But, you know what?
It's always going to be better in the end. We may have rough days (anniversary's alone, year marks, whatever they may be) but, the next day, or maybe the day after that, will be better. It's up to US to find the sunshine in our days.
So, yes tomorrow is my 6th anniversary. And yes, I am having to do it somewhat alone. But, when I look at who I am now, I'm glad I'm doing this anniversary alone. Heavenly Father needs me to do this anniversary alone and He needs me to become someone. I can't become that someone without going through the trials that have been laid out for me in my life.
Honestly ... I hope I survive tomorrow. I'm sure I will but, not without some tears shed. It's weird looking back over the past 6 years and seeing how things have changed. How I have changed. I have the coolest little boy that I am so grateful for that I wouldn't have gotten had I not chosen to get married 6 years ago.
My life is hard. But, when I sit down and really think about it ... I'm incredibly blessed and I love my life.
So, here's to 6 years of being married and for 10 months of being single.
How's that for a weird sentence?
I really do have every intention of getting this blog up to date ... it's just so time consuming and I don't make the time to do it. Soon, I hope.
Also, thanks for letting me just get that out. It was very much needed.