Monday, September 20, 2010

Life is Tiring ... no, EXHAUSTING.

Remember when this blog used to be fun and I would post pictures and all sorts of cool things we were doing? Man, those days sure seem to be long gone. Kason and I still do those things ... I just don't make the time to post about them. 

Now it seems that this blog is turning into a journal of my thoughts, things I'm going through, the life I'M living. 

And tonight? 

I'm missing Kameron.
I've been missing him bad for the last 4 days. I haven't cried this much in months. In fact, I've cried everyday, at the drop of a hat, since Thursday. And I'm not sure why. What makes right now different? What makes these past four days harder than the ones before? 

I haven't the slightest idea. 

I'm trying to figure it out, sort out my emotions, determine why I'm feeling this way. 

I feel SO alone. I haven't felt this alone since the few weeks following his death. I have these urges to constantly be talking to someone just so I won't feel alone. Any opportunity I have to be with people, I'm there, because I can't stand to be alone. I won't drop Kason off anywhere, if I can avoid it, because I need him with me. But at the same time, I feel like I've been a horrible mom to him for no reason at all.

Tonight, as I read through my blog posts of a year ago, of the weeks leading up to Kam's death and the weeks following his death. The posts of the things I wish I had done differently and the things I love about Kameron ... I sat here and cried. Then I thought to myself: "Will I ever be able to find someone who loved me as much as Kameron?" 

That ... is why I'm feeling this way. 

I am tired of being alone. 
I'm tired of being a single mom and doing it all by myself.
I'm tired of worrying about things alone. 
I'm tired of not having someone to watch my sports games with or my tv shows with.
I'm tired of not having someone to cuddle up with me on the couch. 
I'm tired of not having someone to cook for. 
I'm tired of coming home to an empty house and waking up in an empty house.
I'm tired of not having that "constant". 

I'm tired ... no, I'm exhausted by it all. 

As I was sitting here tonight crying and thinking about all of this and trying to figure out how I'm supposed to work through this, my thoughts turned to Primary today. Sister Thurgood talked about prayer. I remembered her saying how no matter what our prayers are heard and answered and no matter when or where we could pray. 

I've heard that since before I was in nursery, I'm sure. 

I've been told the same principle over and over and over again for the last 25 years. And yet, sometimes, the principle falls from my grasp and I forget about it. I forget how simple it is to ASK for help. Sure, I pray all day about the things I'm grateful for but sometimes, it takes a LOT to humble ourselves enough to ASK for help.

Why is this such a challenging thing for me?! Why can't I just get on my knees, ask for help and then follow through by doing my part? 

I think part of it ... is lack of faith. I fear what my answers to things will be. And because I'm fearing them ... I am not having enough faith. Another part of it? Is sometimes I don't feel worthy enough to be praying to Him.

Silly, silly, girl! How can I think that?! I forget what He did for us. I forget that He promised He would always be there for us, regardless of our lives and our situations and our "unworthiness".... 

He doesn't ever walk away.
WE are the ones that walk away, turn the lights off and close the door. 
WE make the decision to do that. 

Never, ever, is it Him. 

And up until tonight? I had been the one who betrayed Him. Who walked away from Him and had forgotten the support He is.

So, yes I am exhausted by being alone and doing this all alone. But at the same time ... am I really alone? Of course not ... and I need to be a million times better about remembering that. I don't ever have to worry about being alone ... I just need to worry about remembering promises I've been given. And I need to be willing to never give up. By doing that, the only one who has won is Satan. 
May tomorrow be better than today.
May we always remember what has been promised us.
May we live up to our expectations from Him.
And may we always do our personal best! 

: )

12 comments:

Lara said...

Praying for you, girl.

Em said...

Heavenly Father knows us better than we know ourselves, a lot of times we think we know what we really need and that we just aren't being blessed with it. In reality we are being blessed, maybe we just have a harder time seeing it. Maybe our vision is clouded with what we want and think we need rather than what Heavenly Father knows we need at that moment. Sometimes its easier to live in denial, its safe there. (http://strongerthancancer2.blogspot.com/2009/04/denial.html) My heart does go out to you and I know of that loneliness you talk of, sometimes even being around all those people can make you feel even more lonely. I promise Heavenly Father has something great in store for you and even when you think you aren't doing a good job or are struggling he's smiling down on you and so is Kam. Its hard to believe that even after all that time it can still feel like yesterday and at the same time feel like so much longer, I'm sure you understand that. 2 years is quickly approaching for me and although it was that many years ago there are still times that it feels like yesterday. I still ache. I still hurt and even though I have someone I at times long to just be able to talk with him again. Laugh at his stupid jokes and just see him interact with my kids. But, all of this just makes us both stronger. We are better people, we are able to help others that have been placed in our shoes. We are able to lift them up and see what is needed for them. I always thought at the end of the day, thank goodness tomorrow is a new day. A time to start over. Time to get emotions in check and a time for me to find that happiness. Its all around you and I know you see it everyday. You know how truly blessed you are and Heavenly Father & Kam have something special waiting for you... it may happen tomorrow it may not happen till next year but I promise it will happen and it will happen when you least expect it. Keep reading those past posts. You will see a different girl. You'll see how far you've come and even though they still make you cry (mine do) its good cause you've grown and you can see that. You are an awesome girl and mom and someday someone is going to be LUCKY to share their life with you, till then keep your chin up and keep smiling. Surround yourself with good people who support and love you. Be picky. Don't fall for anyone just because of the loneliness. Heavenly Father and Kam love you and are sending you the best. And remember time is NOT your enemy. :) Love ya.

Heather said...

Oh, Jami, I'm so sorry things have been so hard lately. I can't even imagine how you must feel. You're right that you're never alone, and Heavenly Father is the best source of peace and comfort. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Clint and Tiffany said...

Wow. You sure have a way of making me cry, Jami! I'm sorry you've been feeling down. Don't ever feel like it's wrong to miss Kam, it's absolutely understandable and HEALTHY to miss him. He was your best friend for over 5 years, and considering all you've been through I think you're entitled to "those days". You amaze me, don't ever forget that. We all have those moments when we forget the small and simple truths of the gospel and need a gentle reminder. That's why we're here, to learn how to be more like Him. Love you, chica.

kmelanese said...

((HUGS)) I am sorry you are having such a rough few days. I cannot imagine how hard things can be for you. Never forget that you can always pray, and someone is listening. We go to church and pray to become better people. If we were already perfect we would have no reason to do these things. You have so many people around you who love you!

John and Jessica Tilton said...

Couldn't help but post. Oh have I been there, totally different situation, but that same emotion and lonliness. The first line of the YW theme has brought me comfort in my darkest hours. No wonder we were supposed to say it every Sunday, it needed to be imprinted on us so we could remember it during hard times!

"We are daughters of our Heavenly Father who loves us, and we love him."

I used to say it over and over and over again. Beautiful comforting words.

You are an inspiration to us all. Your honesty about what you are going through has touched so many many many lives, you will never know. Thank you for your example. Our prayers are still with you. Hang in there. The best is yet to come.

Jill said...

Thank you for your post! You are very wise! I needed to read that tonight! Thank you!

Bon said...

I understand your thoughts exactly jami. Life is exhausting. You have a lot of people rooting for you and 1 little boy in particular that is your #1 fan, who you do EVERYTHING for. Remember him and remember his plan as well as yours. Be patient and selfless. I'm not going to lie and tell you it gets better, cause it's always hard. But you will learn to handle it better, with the Lord's help.

Mary Beth said...

so thankful you posted again, you always seem to give me a little boost!

mom2ky said...

Jami, I'm sending HUGS your way! I have lived as a single mom to my 8 year old daughter for most of her life. It IS hard work, it is lonely, but YOU are a STRONG woman! You will look back on this time in your life and wonder how you made it through, but you will look back and realize just how much you have GROWN! Heavenly Father knows YOU and knows that YOU can do it! Hang in there! Here is a quote that has helped me get through. :)

“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven.” -Elder Orson F. Whitney

Take care!
Sharon

mom2ky said...

Jami,

I know how hard it is being a single mom. I have raised my 8 year old daughter by myself since she was a year and a half old. It IS hard, it IS lonely at times, but YOU are a STRONG woman, and you can do it! You may not feel like you can do it, but you will look back and realize just how much you have grown. Heavenly Father loves you and knows how strong you are! Hang in there! Here is a quote that has given me comfort.

Take care!
Sharon

“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven.” -Elder Orson F. Whitney

Leslie said...

love you. this widow stuff really sucks. it really does.

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