Life is Tiring ... no, EXHAUSTING.

Remember when this blog used to be fun and I would post pictures and all sorts of cool things we were doing? Man, those days sure seem to be long gone. Kason and I still do those things ... I just don't make the time to post about them. 

Now it seems that this blog is turning into a journal of my thoughts, things I'm going through, the life I'M living. 

And tonight? 

I'm missing Kameron.
I've been missing him bad for the last 4 days. I haven't cried this much in months. In fact, I've cried everyday, at the drop of a hat, since Thursday. And I'm not sure why. What makes right now different? What makes these past four days harder than the ones before? 

I haven't the slightest idea. 

I'm trying to figure it out, sort out my emotions, determine why I'm feeling this way. 

I feel SO alone. I haven't felt this alone since the few weeks following his death. I have these urges to constantly be talking to someone just so I won't feel alone. Any opportunity I have to be with people, I'm there, because I can't stand to be alone. I won't drop Kason off anywhere, if I can avoid it, because I need him with me. But at the same time, I feel like I've been a horrible mom to him for no reason at all.

Tonight, as I read through my blog posts of a year ago, of the weeks leading up to Kam's death and the weeks following his death. The posts of the things I wish I had done differently and the things I love about Kameron ... I sat here and cried. Then I thought to myself: "Will I ever be able to find someone who loved me as much as Kameron?" 

That ... is why I'm feeling this way. 

I am tired of being alone. 

I'm tired of being a single mom and doing it all by myself.
I'm tired of worrying about things alone. 

I'm tired of not having someone to watch my sports games with or my tv shows with.

I'm tired of not having someone to cuddle up with me on the couch. 

I'm tired of not having someone to cook for. 

I'm tired of coming home to an empty house and waking up in an empty house.

I'm tired of not having that "constant". 

I'm tired ... no, I'm exhausted by it all. 

As I was sitting here tonight crying and thinking about all of this and trying to figure out how I'm supposed to work through this, my thoughts turned to Primary today. Sister Thurgood talked about prayer. I remembered her saying how no matter what our prayers are heard and answered and no matter when or where we could pray. 

I've heard that since before I was in nursery, I'm sure. 

I've been told the same principle over and over and over again for the last 25 years. And yet, sometimes, the principle falls from my grasp and I forget about it. I forget how simple it is to ASK for help. Sure, I pray all day about the things I'm grateful for but sometimes, it takes a LOT to humble ourselves enough to ASK for help.

Why is this such a challenging thing for me?! Why can't I just get on my knees, ask for help and then follow through by doing my part? 

I think part of it ... is lack of faith. I fear what my answers to things will be. And because I'm fearing them ... I am not having enough faith. Another part of it? Is sometimes I don't feel worthy enough to be praying to Him.

Silly, silly, girl! How can I think that?! I forget what He did for us. I forget that He promised He would always be there for us, regardless of our lives and our situations and our "unworthiness".... 

He doesn't ever walk away.
WE are the ones that walk away, turn the lights off and close the door. 

WE make the decision to do that. 

Never, ever, is it Him. 

And up until tonight? I had been the one who betrayed Him. Who walked away from Him and had forgotten the support He is.

So, yes I am exhausted by being alone and doing this all alone. But at the same time ... am I really alone? Of course not ... and I need to be a million times better about remembering that. I don't ever have to worry about being alone ... I just need to worry about remembering promises I've been given. And I need to be willing to never give up. By doing that, the only one who has won is Satan. 

May tomorrow be better than today.

May we always remember what has been promised us.

May we live up to our expectations from Him.

And may we always do our personal best! 

: )