Saturday, September 19, 2009

9/19/09 - One Month

One month ago today is the day that Kameron passed away. This past month has gone F-A-S-T and at the same time it has seemed to last forever. I wasn't sure what my emotions would be today as I deal with the one month point of Kameron's death but, I don't think I expected to be so put together and ready to move on. But, at the same time so lonely. I also feel overwhelmed with all the things that are still going on and I am still having to take care of. I am overwhelmed with all the decisions that are having to be made all by myself - I'm not used to that. I am used to being able to turn to Kameron and ask his opinion.

As I look back over the past several weeks of hospital visits, numerous doctors, nurses, a sick husband, and then the end result, I realized that Heavenly Father really was preparing me for this. I just wasn't willing to listen and accept it.

Dr. Hueng would tell us almost every day, "Kameron is very very sick, but we are going to do everything we can to get him better. Just remember how sick he is." And a nurse once said, "IF he makes it through this ..." And at the time I was annoyed that she would say that! I also remember the infectious disease doctor telling me that the valley fever and the CMV on top of his lupus were very life threatening. That was just 2 days before he died. At the time that I would hear these things I was thinking, "don't say those things! He will be fine, he will make it, he's strong!" I remember the blessings that he was given come back to my mind and I would think, "see, they just don't understand because they don't know the blessings he has been promised."

Well, now I realize that they really did know and it was almost as if Heavenly Father was trying to get me to realize that Kameron might not make it. I was just too stubborn and I didn't want to think of that. I was stuck on the fact that Kameron's blessings would need to be fulfilled on earth. Maybe them saying those things has somehow, subconsciously, made things a little easier for me ... maybe not. But, I have been blessed with strength to make it through this past month, sometimes, amounts of strength I wouldn't have thought possible. As much as I don't want to make plans for my future that don't include Kameron, I know that it's something that needs to be done. I know that Kameron wouldn't want me to sit around and do nothing with my life. Kameron is my motiviation to get my life rolling again. Kason is my reason.

That's not to say that I don't still have difficult days. Every minute of every day is hard for me. It's hard for me to not look at Kason doing something fun and thinking, 'I wish Kameron could be here to do this with us.' But at the same time - I KNOW he is there with us, he is just experiencing it in a completely different way. He is still cheering us on and laughing at Kason's goofiness. It's hard for me to pass a restaurant that we loved eating at or a hotel where we spent a weekend and have those memories flood into my mind. I LOVE the memories but they are also a constant reminder that he is no longer here, physically. That is really hard.

I also have moments where I feel so lost. There could be 100 people around me and I would still feel lonely and lost. There are times where I just want to cry. The hardest times for me is when I think back to the day he passed away. It's so hard for all those emotions to come back to me. Remembering the fear and uncertainty as I drove to the hospital and the doctor's words, "It doesn't look good," continually running through my mind. Remembering the words the nurse said, "this is his body's way of dying." Watching his heartrate flatline and him coding and then finally just nothing. His body being still as they turned off all his machines.

I remember before he passed away the tech was standing by his bed trying so hard to get a blood pressure or a pulse. He would look at me with sorrow written all over his face. I couldn't look at him because then I would get drawn into accepting that Kameron was about to pass away. I didn't want to think that was an option so, I stood there, staring at the ground and occasionally looking up at Kameron's poor body that was barely putting out a strong heartbeat and his lungs not even getting oxygen to most of his body. His coloring was awful, I remember that was the first thing I thought when I walked into his room that morning. Avoiding any eye contact with the nurses was my state of shock, my way of not wanting to accept it. Not letting my brain think what everyone else knew was going to happen. I would clench my teeth so I didn't have to cry. I was so annoyed at the nurses who kept bringing in boxes of kleenex and I wanted to yell at them, "we don't NEED THOSE! this isn't going to happen!!!!"

It was a long hour between the time they told us he was passing away and the time he actually did. I wish I had said something but, what would have been the point? Kameron wasn't even in his body at that time - he was rotating between all of us, providing us with comfort. I remember saying that life isn't fair and asking why this had to happen to me?

At the time that Kameron passed away, I felt so weak. I didn't feel strong enough to have to go through this. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to learn from all of this and kept asking the pathetic, "why me?!" question. But, as I look back over the past month - I can see how much I have learned and how much I have grown. There have always been parts of the gospel that I have heard about and learned about growing up but it's hard to really understand some of those things, until you're really needing to put them into action.

One of these days I will write down all that I have learned about the gospel in the past month. I feel like a better person, a stronger member of the church, a better mom and wife, and I feel like I can be a better example to those around me because of what I have learned.

So, it definately has not been an easy month by any means! I have had good days and bad days, emotional days and depressed days but each of those days has taught me something about myself and about the importance of the gospel in my life.

I am actually excited for the future that I am planning for me and Kason. Yes, there are some scary parts to it but, it's exciting to think about what opportunities are in store for us on our new journey. And I know that if it's meant to be - then it will all work out somehow!

I have survived the past month and if I can make it through the 30-days following my best friends death - I can make it through anything.

I want to take 2 seconds and thank EACH OF YOU who reads this for your prayers, your financial support, your sympathy cards, your love, your offers of service, for everything you have all done. You are amazing to step up to the plate and be there for me and Kason - it means the world to me! There are so many wonderful people in this world and I am so blessed to be surrounded by so many of them!! I love each and every one of you and I seriously cannot thank you enough for everything that has been done for us this past month.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
You have made this past month possible to survive.

21 comments:

laurdacooj said...

1 month down... 1000 to go?:) you are wonderful, just like your Kason and your wonderful Kam. you are an example to us all. xoxo

Tanner and Lisa Williams said...

Jami
I am so glad you say all you do because you are so real and true. I love your honest and open heart. Everything you say helps The rest of us realize different things about ourselves and how important it is to not take advantage of the little everyday things. I love you talking in your last post about the annoying things that used to bother you! I totally get that and realize now I needto take a chill pill and just let them have their toilet seat up or their shoes laying around so so true! Does it all really matter when u look back no way! Those are the things you miss and I can see that now. Thanksfor the perspective. Keep being so open and honest I'm sure it helps free your mind and it helps the rest of usin so many ways! Love you girl!

Ashley said...

I'm reminded of "Anne of Green Gables;"

"I can't realize it. Half the time it seems to me that Matthew can't be dead; and the other half it seems as if he must have been dead for a long time and I've had this horrible dull ache ever since."

I know you're still aching and hurting and I wish I could just sit with you during those bad times. But, instead, I'm praying for your comfort and future and hope you'll be able to come out and stay with us next spring.

Love ya Jami.

Jessie and Byron said...

I am so glad to hear that you are doing "ok". I still havent sent you the thing i Have for you but I sure will this week, I promise! I love reading your blog and being able to put my life and my thoughts into perspectie. You are great at that. Cant wait to hear what your plans are....

DKGREER said...

Jami, your story has been close to my heart since we started talking when he first got sick. I cannot get through a post without my heart absolutely sinking because I know that this could be me someday, any day. I am so blessed because Daryl's health is so good right now....but we both realize that this could change. You give me strength and hope. I hope you know that I think about you constantly and always keep you in my prayers. You are one special lady. I really do hope that if you need to talk, you will let me know.

KayCee said...

Jami,

You don't know me, but I am Lindsey and Aaron Thomason's friend. Lindsey referred me to your blog. I recently lost my husband (June) as well and after reading your blog, have noticed that you are experiencing and feeling a lot of the same things that I have and am. I have a little girl thankfully to help me through and it looks like you have a little one too. Just want you to know you are not alone and if you ever need someone to talk to, I would love to be a listening ear. My email address is jkdenning@gmail.com and phone number is 208-589-4966

Hang in there, with the help of a loving Heavenly Father and Savior, nothing is impossible, that is what I have learned.

Sincerely,
KayCee Denning

Heather said...

You're loved, Jami. Thanks for being so open and generous with your heart and the things you've learned.

Heather said...

You are such a strong example.. and we all learn from your trial as well. You will have a wonderful future... a new journey, with Kam by your side all the way. He just has the whole eternal perspective now... we love ya, and keep journaling, it's helpful for all of us!

Lara said...

You're always in our prayers. Little Kason is so lucky to have a mom who is willing to be strong to move on for her son.

Preemie Miracle said...

I so love you! I admire your strength and what you don't realize is that YOUR spirit and understanding helps those in situations that you don't even know about!! I LOVE YOU!

Jenn and Kylann Penrod said...

I admire how honest you can be with everyone who reads your blog. Some you don't even know. That takes so much courage and strength. I know that someone out there reading this is also going through a difficult time and your words are going to be a strength to them. You truly are an amazing woman. More then you give yourself credit for. I know the Lord has many wonderful things in store for you and Kason in the future. We all know you deserve it.

Andy and Michele said...

Oh Jami, my heart goes out to you. Every time I read your blog I just cry. You are so amazing. Like everyone else, we are praying for you and Kason.

Em said...

wow... I can't believe its been a month... I remember vividly the month that past after my husband died... it seemed to go by so slow. Time no longer goes slow for me as time goes by you will slowly see this too. You are a strong woman. I was thinking today that as my 1 year quickly approches (Nov 1st). I started to wonder if I will have a panic attack from Oct. 29th till the 1st of Nov when he passed away. I feel like I'm going back to where you are right now. I love to be able to read what you have to say because I know even though it was almost 11 months ago for me I know exactly how you feel and it makes me feel better about the process I've gone through and know that I'm not alone. I too often think I wish my husband could see my kids when they would do certain things. My son lost his first tooth just days after his dad passed away and I just cried because I wanted more than anything for his dad to be there to see it. Then I stopped and thought you know what! He did see it and he has the best view in the house and when I start to think of I wish he was here to see this I know that he is up there watching and laughing and crying with us and super happy to have the best seat. You will continue to be surprised at the strength you will find and the things you will do that you thought you never could or would do. Continue to talk to your husband when you are trying to make a decision. Big or small... he'll be there.

Jessica said...

Jami, you are such an amazing and strong woman! My heart goes out to you, and I admire how well you have been able to handle and accept things. Reading your blog makes me rethink the way I handle and react to situations in my life. You are such a great example. Kason has such a wonderful mommy! I wish you the best of luck on the journey ahead of you. Keep your head high! (Love one of your old momoz friends)

Kara, Garrick, Rylee and Jadyn said...

Obviously I have never been through anything close to what you have been through this last month, but from what I've always heard from others is that it does get easier. So yes, you made it through this month, and you can make it through all the rest (and it will get easier to deal with)! I love you Jami!!!!

Chris and Layla Tenney said...

You're beautiful, Jami. You are truly an inspiration. I think of you all of the time. In our Prescott Stake Conference I couldn't help but chalk up all of my emotions by feeling your pain. The messages were so incredible about the pain that we have to endure, the triumphs that we can all learn from throughout this life and how in NO way does bad things happening to us indicate a lesser love from our Heavenly Father. It is in fact opposite. He loves us so dearly that he allows us the opportunities to stretch our hearts to it's fullest extent. Did you read the September Ensign? Again I am reminded of you when thinking about strong, righteous and beautiful women. You set such a wonderful example of strength whether you are aware of that or not. In this issue there are two amazing articles, the first presidency message, "The Influence of Righteous Women" and also "Lessons from Liberty Jail". http://www.lds.org/churchmagazines/EN_2009_09_00___04209_000_000.pdf
Isn't it amazing how much we can endure without ever thinking we are strong enough to? You are beautiful and wonderful. God does still have blessings he has promised for you and Kason in play.... He most certainly is not finished with you... He's just beginning!

All my love, Jami. All of my prayers.

Lindsey said...

I feel like everyone has said this, but all that keeps running through my head is how amazing you are! I feel so blessed to know you, you are such a testament to me of the strength and power the gospel can bring to our lives!!!
You and Kason are always in my prayers and constantly in my thoughts.

Jewel said...

Kason is lucky to have a mom like you.

Travis and Britni said...

I am in awe at how strong you are. I bawl everytime I read your posts and I'm not going through any of this personally. Kason has such a wonderful example of strength and faith in his life. He's lucky to have you. You're amazing.

Lavinia said...

Jami, you are an inspiration with all that you are going through. I'd love to know what you've learned this past month, maybe you'll write a book one day.

I'm praying for you sweetie, and Kason too.

Kristi said...

Jami....Your blog has been such an inspiration to read. You do have so much strength. I'm sure the heavens have opened for you as you go through this. You are being watched over very closely. That I am sure of. Kason is so blessed to have you for his mom. Take care of yourself. Thank you for sharing your soul and your strength with us. You are an amazing woman.
Kristi Daynes

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