9/19/09 - One Month

One month ago today is the day that Kameron passed away. This past month has gone F-A-S-T and at the same time it has seemed to last forever. I wasn't sure what my emotions would be today as I deal with the one month point of Kameron's death but, I don't think I expected to be so put together and ready to move on. But, at the same time so lonely. I also feel overwhelmed with all the things that are still going on and I am still having to take care of. I am overwhelmed with all the decisions that are having to be made all by myself - I'm not used to that. I am used to being able to turn to Kameron and ask his opinion.

As I look back over the past several weeks of hospital visits, numerous doctors, nurses, a sick husband, and then the end result, I realized that Heavenly Father really was preparing me for this. I just wasn't willing to listen and accept it.

Dr. Hueng would tell us almost every day, "Kameron is very very sick, but we are going to do everything we can to get him better. Just remember how sick he is." And a nurse once said, "IF he makes it through this ..." And at the time I was annoyed that she would say that! I also remember the infectious disease doctor telling me that the valley fever and the CMV on top of his lupus were very life threatening. That was just 2 days before he died. At the time that I would hear these things I was thinking, "don't say those things! He will be fine, he will make it, he's strong!" I remember the blessings that he was given come back to my mind and I would think, "see, they just don't understand because they don't know the blessings he has been promised."

Well, now I realize that they really did know and it was almost as if Heavenly Father was trying to get me to realize that Kameron might not make it. I was just too stubborn and I didn't want to think of that. I was stuck on the fact that Kameron's blessings would need to be fulfilled on earth. Maybe them saying those things has somehow, subconsciously, made things a little easier for me ... maybe not. But, I have been blessed with strength to make it through this past month, sometimes, amounts of strength I wouldn't have thought possible. As much as I don't want to make plans for my future that don't include Kameron, I know that it's something that needs to be done. I know that Kameron wouldn't want me to sit around and do nothing with my life. Kameron is my motiviation to get my life rolling again. Kason is my reason.

That's not to say that I don't still have difficult days. Every minute of every day is hard for me. It's hard for me to not look at Kason doing something fun and thinking, 'I wish Kameron could be here to do this with us.' But at the same time - I KNOW he is there with us, he is just experiencing it in a completely different way. He is still cheering us on and laughing at Kason's goofiness. It's hard for me to pass a restaurant that we loved eating at or a hotel where we spent a weekend and have those memories flood into my mind. I LOVE the memories but they are also a constant reminder that he is no longer here, physically. That is really hard.

I also have moments where I feel so lost. There could be 100 people around me and I would still feel lonely and lost. There are times where I just want to cry. The hardest times for me is when I think back to the day he passed away. It's so hard for all those emotions to come back to me. Remembering the fear and uncertainty as I drove to the hospital and the doctor's words, "It doesn't look good," continually running through my mind. Remembering the words the nurse said, "this is his body's way of dying." Watching his heartrate flatline and him coding and then finally just nothing. His body being still as they turned off all his machines.

I remember before he passed away the tech was standing by his bed trying so hard to get a blood pressure or a pulse. He would look at me with sorrow written all over his face. I couldn't look at him because then I would get drawn into accepting that Kameron was about to pass away. I didn't want to think that was an option so, I stood there, staring at the ground and occasionally looking up at Kameron's poor body that was barely putting out a strong heartbeat and his lungs not even getting oxygen to most of his body. His coloring was awful, I remember that was the first thing I thought when I walked into his room that morning. Avoiding any eye contact with the nurses was my state of shock, my way of not wanting to accept it. Not letting my brain think what everyone else knew was going to happen. I would clench my teeth so I didn't have to cry. I was so annoyed at the nurses who kept bringing in boxes of kleenex and I wanted to yell at them, "we don't NEED THOSE! this isn't going to happen!!!!"

It was a long hour between the time they told us he was passing away and the time he actually did. I wish I had said something but, what would have been the point? Kameron wasn't even in his body at that time - he was rotating between all of us, providing us with comfort. I remember saying that life isn't fair and asking why this had to happen to me?

At the time that Kameron passed away, I felt so weak. I didn't feel strong enough to have to go through this. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to learn from all of this and kept asking the pathetic, "why me?!" question. But, as I look back over the past month - I can see how much I have learned and how much I have grown. There have always been parts of the gospel that I have heard about and learned about growing up but it's hard to really understand some of those things, until you're really needing to put them into action.

One of these days I will write down all that I have learned about the gospel in the past month. I feel like a better person, a stronger member of the church, a better mom and wife, and I feel like I can be a better example to those around me because of what I have learned.

So, it definately has not been an easy month by any means! I have had good days and bad days, emotional days and depressed days but each of those days has taught me something about myself and about the importance of the gospel in my life.

I am actually excited for the future that I am planning for me and Kason. Yes, there are some scary parts to it but, it's exciting to think about what opportunities are in store for us on our new journey. And I know that if it's meant to be - then it will all work out somehow!

I have survived the past month and if I can make it through the 30-days following my best friends death - I can make it through anything.

I want to take 2 seconds and thank EACH OF YOU who reads this for your prayers, your financial support, your sympathy cards, your love, your offers of service, for everything you have all done. You are amazing to step up to the plate and be there for me and Kason - it means the world to me! There are so many wonderful people in this world and I am so blessed to be surrounded by so many of them!! I love each and every one of you and I seriously cannot thank you enough for everything that has been done for us this past month.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

You have made this past month possible to survive.