Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Final Moments

When I think of the Monday before Kameron passed away it brings back so many emotions; contentment, gratitude and sorrow but mostly, I feel blessed to have had that last day together.

That Monday morning I met Cindy Hatch and Kay Ellet for lunch. We spent a few minutes at the hospital and I would ask Kameron if he recognized them, he shook his head yes and I was so excited for that. If you remember we were afraid Kameron might have extensive brain damage so, anytime he would recognize someone - I was overjoyed. As we were leaving they were trying to get Kameron's breathing tube to work correctly. They were afraid there might be a leak in it. I remember hoping they would just get the trach put in.

The whole time we were at lunch I had an antsy feeling to get back to the hospital but, I tried to push it aside and spend sometime away from there and with friends. Right as we were loading up the kids in the car, the infectious disease doctor called and told me the news about the valley fever. That is when she told me how life threatening everything is. As we drove back to the hospital I felt so sick to my stomach. It seemed like it took forever to get there. As Cindy parked and I climbed out, I said good-bye to Kason - who was on his way to Thatcher to spend time with the Warrens there. As soon as I turned my back, I burst into tears. I was so scared for Kameron and I felt like I needed Kason there for my strength. I tried to fight back the tears as I walked down the hall towards his room.

Once I got to his room I was glad to see him awake. His respirator sounded a lot better than it had before I left. I sat and talked with Kameron for a bit before he dozed off. The entire time I was there I had a nagging feeling to spend ALL my extra time with him when he was awake. I would sit and occupy my time until I saw that he was awake and then I would pull up a chair and sit there, holding his hand and talking to him. I would ask him if he could move his hands or if he remembered certain things. He always would and I would be so proud of him. I remember being very emotional that Monday. I remember a certain time where I was holding his hand and I looked into his eyes and I started thinking, "This poor man is suffering so badly. It's not fair, I just want him to be better." I started crying and wishing for everything to be over and better.

As I sat by his bed, right before leaving, I was holding his hand and I asked him, "can you squeeze my hand 3 times?" ... he squeezed my hand 3 times and then he kept going. He squeezed my hand as many times as his strength would allow him to. Probably 15 or 20 times. I was so proud of the strength he had! And then, I looked into Kameron's eyes and that is when I saw two tear drops fall from his eyes. He had a look of sorrow in his eyes. I told him, "You know, you're going to be okay right?" He slightly nodded his head yes. I patted his arm and told him, "I love you so, so much Kameron. You know that right?" And again, he nodded his head yes. I told him that I was getting ready to go but, I would be back on Wednesday. I couldn't stop telling him I loved him, I probably told him 5 or 6 times how much I loved him. As I got ready to walk out I told him, "I will see you soon, I promise." And those, are the last words that I said to my sweet husband.

Now, I am grateful for SO MANY things that happened that day. I am grateful that I had previously planned on sending Kason to Thatcher so that I could have undivided attention for Kameron. I am grateful for the promptings to spend extra time with Kameron. I am grateful for his strength in our final moments together. I am grateful for the things that I said to him.

I believe that he knew his Spirit was about the leave his body and that his body would stay and fight for a little while longer. I know that he was squeezing my hand as his way to say, "I love you, I will miss you but, I will be with you again. Be strong, be strong for yourself and be strong for Kason. You can do this, Goon. You are stronger than you think you are." He was crying those tears because he wanted so bad to say those things and he was feeling so much sorrow about leaving me behind. But at the same time, he knew exactly where he was going and what was in store for him. That brings me so much peace now.

I just have SO much gratitude for that last day we had together. I can't imagine if I had said different things, or if I hadn't said anything at all. What if I hadn't felt the need to spend extra time with him that day? I will always hold this day very close to my heart. It means so much to me to have these memories with him.

As I left his hospital room, I cried all the way to the car. I wasn't sure why I was so emotional. I just had so much love for Kameron that day and I wanted so much for all of his pain to be over with. Now, I am glad his pain is gone. It's hard to explain the feelings that a spouse goes through as you watch your best friend suffer the worst pain ever, to watch them constantly struggle for their life. So, from that point of view - I thank Heavenly Father that he finally put an end to Kameron's suffering. In a way, that makes all of this a little easier.

Monday night and Tuesday I was very emotional. I had a huge knot in my stomach both days. As I talked to his nurses, I knew that things weren't going well at the hospital but, I tried to stay positive. As I look back at the whole experience, I understand why things weren't going well, his body was trying to stay alive without a spirit to keep it alive.

What an amazing, spiritual experience those last couple days before his passing were for me. They weren't at the time, at the time I was going through them, they were just like any other day. But, as I look back, I can see the Lord's hand in his final day here on earth and in the last few hours we had together. I am grateful for that and for the Lord's understanding and love towards each of us.

And if I could say anything to Kameron, I wouldn't change anything I said I would still tell him,

"I will see you soon, I promise."


Anonymous said...

The neatest thing about your last day with your sweet husband here on earth is not only the last thing you said to him but also that you can feel that there are no regrets! He left this earth knowing that you loved him and that you will live your life here on earth so you can see him again...... Those things are truely something to be grateful for! Not everyone that has been through what you have been through and are still going through can say that! You are in my prayers even though we have never met, you are a strength to all.... God bless

Em said...

You inspire me Jami. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings here. They help me too!

Em said...

Its good that you write this all down now while its fresh in your memory. Although even a year from now it will still be fresh in your memory as it was like yesterday. I'm so glad that you were able to leave him with happy words. I have the same thoughts when it comes to the last time I spoke with my husband. Now I never let a time go by that I don't say I love you when one of my kids walks out the door or I hang up the phone with my husband because you just never know. Keep on writing. :)

Andy and Michele said...

Oh Jami, you are so strong and amazing. Thank you for sharing all this with us. You strengthen my testimony every time.

Jenn and Kylann Penrod said...

Those are wonderful last words and I'm sure he holds them dear to his heart as well. What an amazing thing eternal families are. You really are amazing Jami. I hope one day we can hang out. I would love to get to know you.

Maranda Whittle said...

That was the perfect departure. Not many people get that chance!

I saw Kameron's name in lights on the E.A. sign last night. I kinda got teary eyed...Hope that concert goes well!

Lavinia said...

Thank you for sharing Jami, it really puts things into perspective.

Clint and Tiffany said...

You have such strength, Jami. I can feel how much emotion goes into each post, and how strong the spirit is around you. I remember the last time I saw Clint's little brother JT before he died - he was driving out of town to go on the fishing trip and it was the one time he didn't look over and wave at us. I remember thinking even then that I wished he had glanced over at us and waved. So amazing how clear those last memories are, how every detail stands out and how you somehow know (even though you don't realize it until later) that there's something different about that goodbye. I'm so glad to hear you have no regrets during those last few hours with Kameron. What a blessing for you. We love you and hope you and Kason are doing well.

Candace said...

Beautiful "last" words. But then again they aren't the wonderful.

Kara, Garrick, Rylee and Jadyn said...

It's so weird to think back to those days and the week before because Kam was showing a lot of progress and then all of the sudden Valley Fever and CMV hit and take him away. But I believe it was all part of Heavenly Father's plan for you, he wanted to give you that little bit of time where you could talk to Kam and he could interact with you before he had to leave this earth. I know those memories will always be precious to you and I am so glad that you have those beautiful memories to cherish. Heavenly Father certainly knows and loves you Jami, and he will continue to strengthen you.
I love you my sister! :)

Haymore Family said...

i love that you are writing all of these emotions and feelings down now, so you always remember the little things, the promptings and every word that was said! it is really uplifting to read and change how we live. Your such an example how we want to live our last days and how strong you are. YOu are so amazing and i love you! i can't wait to see you soon! miss ya tons girly!

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