8/20: The Morning After

Tuesday when I would talk to Kameron's doctor's and nurses they all said that Kameron had really taken a turn for the worse. He was on 3 blood pressure medications to keep his blood pressure elevated but, it continued to fall. His vent settings were at 100% but, his saturation continued to drop. I talked to the nurse Tuesday night and she said that he was very unresponsive and weak. We had a planned meeting with one of his doctors Wednesday morning so I was planning on heading up there.

When I called the hospital Wednesday morning his nurse said that he was a lot of the same. Low oxygen saturation and low blood pressure. I then talked to his pulmonologist who told me that I needed to come, and bring the family - he said, "it really doesn't look good right now."

I had the biggest knot in my stomach as I got ready to leave. On the drive, as soon as I passed the Border Patrol CheckPoint, I started praying. I was crying and praying and asking Heavenly Father to please not take my best friend! I can't do it without him. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. After praying for those things, my prayers slowly turned to prayers of asking Him to follow through with his promises, the blessings that have been given throughout this, I asked Him to keep those promises. I knew that He would, and at the time, I was certain that those promises were to be fulfilled on earth.

As I got to the hopsital, my mom and brother were there, as we walked into the hospital room Kameron looked so awful. He had hardly any coloring left, he was completely unresponsive, the nurse told us that even though he has been on 3 blood pressure medications, they still haven't been able to get any type of blood pressure reading. His oxygen saturation levels were in the 30s & 40s. Over night his heart had gone into rapid heartbeat and then parts of his heart would stop working. The only thing going strong when I got to the hospital was his heartbeat. The nurse told us that this was Kameron's way of passing. She asked me if his heart was to stop if I wanted them to do CPR. At that time, I said yes. It only made sense to me, I thought he had some fight left in him.

I was angry. I was looking towards the heavens saying, "You PROMISED, You PROMISED! How could You do this to me?" I kept thinking that there would be a miracle, and Kameron would be fine. I was praying for one. And then, I heard a voice tell me, "He never said those promises were for earth." And then I knew. I couldn't go near him, I was in shock. I didn't cry, I didn't hold his hand. I didn't even say good-bye but, I know that doesn't matter because he was right there beside me through all of this.

And then, it happened. At around 10am Kameron coded. His nurse rushed in and did what I had told her to do, she hit the blue "code" button and the alarm sounded. At least 15 nurses rushed into Kameron's tiny room and his nurse started doing CPR. I started crying hysterically and his doctor came in a told me, "you don't want him to suffer like this, do you?" I looked to my mom, for answers but, it was all up to me. Then I looked at Kameron, the nurse pounding on his chest. I saw his heartrate climb to 84 and that gave me a glimmer of hope. But then I realized it's only because she was beating it for him and I knew there was nothing to be done. I yelled at them, through my tears, "JUST STOP! PLEASE STOP!" And that was it. A few tears were shed by the nurses and then Kameron's machines were turned off and the room cleared out.

I sat there in shock. He was gone and it seemed so impossible. I cried & cried until I had no tears left. I sat there and looked at his poor, sick body. I didn't even know what to do. I just sat there, numb. Nurses came in and paid their condolences and I numbly hugged each of them and thanked them for all they did, they really were a great team of nurses for Kameron. He had gotten the best care possible.

I sat in his room for awhile, checking my phone for Kara or Laurel to say they were there. I needed to talk to someone other than family - my family was grieving too and I just needed some support from someone who wasn't going through the same type of hurt. Art & Elena left occasionally to make or answer phone calls. Mom & Jesse were in and out of the room. And I just sat there, in disbelief that this is my life now. I thought of all the things that will change. I thought about what my days will be like now. I thought about how it will be possible to even make it day by day with out my husband's hand to hold. I thought about Kason, how would he handle all of this, what would I tell him?

I remember saying, "This isn't fair!" And it's not fair, at all, to any of us. But, we aren't in control of our lives and it isn't up to us to decide if things that happen to us are fair or not.

Then around 11:30, Kara said she was there. I rushed out of Kameron's room to go find Kara. While I was walking around looking for Kara, I got a text from Laurel saying she had just found out, word was starting to spread. When I found Kara, she ran towards me crying. I just cried and hugged her. She was saying, "I'm so sorry, Jami. I'm so sorry." And I cried. I let all of my emotions out. We went and sat in the chapel and cried.

We talked and cried and I remember saying, "What am I supposed to do? How can I do this without him?" I remember having such a heavy heart and almost a panic of what would happen with my life. I remember wondering if I would be able to give Kason the life he deserves and how I would be strong for him. Kara was so amazing to listen to me talk and cry and the things she said that helped me get to where I am now.

Mom and Jesse came in and asked if I wanted Kason with me. I told them, "Yes, I need his strength right now." They left to go pick up Kason from Thatcher. Kara and I walked outside. It was almost as if a burden was lifted from my shoulders and the realization came to me that Kameron is okay. He's not in an awful place, he is in the most amazing place anyone can go. He isn't hurting anymore. He isn't suffering. He is happy and he has all of his questions answered. He is the lucky one.

As we sat outside and I talked out my emotions, I realized that it is more important for him to be with Heavenly Father right now, he has missions in Heaven that need to be accomplished. I realized that this trial is about MY strength and MY faith and MY understanding of everything. So, I am okay with where Kameron is. I know where he is and I know that he has stood beside the Savior. I know that he will be our constant companion and watch over us and bless us from Heaven, probably more than he ever could have on earth.

When Laurel got there we just talked and hugged. Laurel and I agreed that Kameron is with Hannah now, Laurel's little girl. Laurel promised Kameron that if he took care of Hannah, that she would take care of Kason.

We walked back into the hospital, holding hands, and a nurse said that they had removed all of Kameron's tubes and lines. I went in with Laurel & Kara. The Spirit was so strong in his room. We sat down and they held my hands as I looked at Kameron. His body looked so peaceful sitting there in the bed. He wasn't fighting for breath, his organs weren't struggling to function, he was at peace. He had been healed, just like our Heavenly Father had promised. His mind was sharp, just like had been promised. He was there to fulfill his missions.

Laurel & Kara left and I layed my head on Kameron and held his hand, for the last time. I knew he was sitting there right beside me, wishing he could hold my hand through all of this. I told him that I knew he was in a better place and that he was happy. Then I begged him to never leave us. I cried through my words as I said, "Please Kameron, don't ever, ever, ever leave my side. I need you now, more than ever." And I know that he won't. He will continue to be a strength to me. After I felt like I had said everything I could, I left.

I started to realize that things needed to be done. I called the funeral home and made arrangements for Kameron to be transported to Sierra Vista. The Habans and I spoke and discussed some concerns and "what to do's". And then, we all decided to leave. I kissed Kameron's cold head, told him I loved him, and that was it. The nurses made plans to transport Kameron to pathology. His body would finally be able to leave the place that caused him so much pain and suffering.

I found Laurel & Kara, who had been joined by Emily & Camille. We sat and talked, cried a few more tears. I remember at one point Laurel telling me that on Monday, when Kameron had cried and was squeezing my hand, that he knew he would be leaving me. His heart was hurting that he would have to leave this earth and leave me behind. He couldn't tell me and I remember asking him, "You know you're going to be okay, right?" He nodded his head yes. Little did I know that at that time, his idea of "okay" and mine, were two totally different things. I can just imagine his heart hurting for what he knew was about to happen and not being able to hold me and tell me that everything really would be alright. I know that it was Monday night that his Spirit left his body. I am so grateful I was not at the hospital on Tuesday to watch his body fight and suffer to stay alive. I am glad I wasn't there to see how awful it really was and that I was only there Wednesday morning to see him struggle for a little while. I know he was hanging on until we were able to be there. It wasn't even 30 minutes that we were there before he passed. He was always one to think of others and I am grateful that he did that for us.

While I was with friends, and had Kason with me, he asked me if we could go see Daddy. I just fell apart. This poor innocent little boy has no idea what has just happened. He was holding me tight, he knew I was hurting. I took him outside and told him that Daddy doesn't live with us anymore. Daddy went to go live with Heavenly Father and Jesus and he is up in heaven. Daddy is happy and healthy and he isn't sick anymore. I made sure Kason KNEW that his Daddy loves him very much, he always will, and he will always be with Kason. When I was finished Kason layed his head on my shoulder and hugged me tight. I don't know how much he understands but, I will always make sure that he knows what an amazing daddy he has and how much love he has for him.

After leaving the hospital, my friends and I went to go get something to eat. I was so numb still. I would being sitting there totally fine and then start crying because something I saw would remind me of Kameron. The baseball game on tv, a happy couple out on a date, it was so hard to not look around and see Kameron everywhere.

Coming home I was sick to my stomach. I knew that here, I would have to face reality. Each day would be difficult to even get out of bed. Last night, I struggled to fall asleep. I asked Heavenly Father for the strength I need to make it through this. As I layed my head on my pillow, I felt Kameron's hand on my shoulder, strengthening me and holding me until I fell asleep.

This morning, I haven't stopped crying. It's hard to imagine that he really is gone, and it wasn't just an awful dream. I have to live the rest of my life without my best friend here on earth. It is so scary to think about my future. I am scared for Kason. I am sick to my stomach over everything I am going to have to face. I know that now, more than ever, I am going to need my faith to get me through this. I need faith each morning to get out of bed and be a mom to my little, Kason. I will need faith to make decisions for me and Kason. I can't rely on Kameron anymore to turn to and ask his opinion - it's all up to me.

I am grateful for our patriarchal blessings, they both mean more to me now then they ever have before. I am grateful, grateful, grateful for eternal families. I KNOW without a doubt in my mind that Kameron is in Heaven anxiously awaiting our return so that we can be together again. I know that he will be so busy up there. I am sure he is already working, he was never one to sit still and not do anything. I am grateful for the knowledge that we have, for temple ceremonies. I am so grateful we were sealed in the temple for time and all eternity. I know that I have my best friend still, I still have my husband, Kason still has his daddy, it's just going to be awhile before we can all hold each other again.

It hurts so bad to not have him here. I feel lost and lonely, but at the same time, I feel a peace in knowing the things that I know, about eternal families and life after death. Kameron wouldn't want me to live in fear of my future. The rest of my life is going to be lived for him. I will do everything I do so that I can be with him again. I am grateful that he has passed through the veil so that he no longer has to suffer each day. I remember praying once, a few months ago, for Kameron to just have his pain taken away. I can now be at peace knowing that he has no pain. I am grateful that he doesn't have to suffer on this earth with the mental disabilities that he would have had. I am just glad that he no longer has to fight.

I love Kameron with all of my heart. He is my world and my rock. He is such a strength to me and has taught me so much about who I am. I am grateful to have him in my life. I am excited for the future that awaits us in heaven, we have missions to serve and children to raise. Our blessings in heaven will get me through this difficult path on earth.

I am grateful for the love and support of each and every one of you. It means a lot to me and Kameron is grateful that there are people on earth that are caring for his wife and son. I will be relying on others for a long time to get me through this.

I send my love and appreciation to each of you. I cannot express this enough. Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.