Guess Who is 4!!?

This little man ... 

 

And he is crazy as ever. 

Sometimes I wonder if the little man can ever sit still -- then he'll come and cuddle me for 30 minutes a prove that he can. 

It's hard to believe that 4 years ago he joined our family. 

I have a FOUR year old!! 

Anyway -- Kason makes me happy, insane, inpatient, laugh, scream, smile, learn ... and so much more. Mostly, I'm just grateful he's mine and for everything he helps me through and teaches me. 

Love you, Kason!! And HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Proud Moments ...

Yesterday, Kason got to do the "theme" in Primary (I still can't believe I have a Sunbeam!) so, I stuck around to watch him do that. It was super cute to watch him stand at the podium and repeat the theme. He did a great job! 

Before Primary started though, I had the Primary President come up to me and told me, "Kason's teacher is so impressed with him. She said that as they talk about things, Joseph Smith, Nephi, the Prophets ... it's not new to Kason. He knows all the answers and all the stories. She's just very impressed with how smart of a boy he is. So, good job, Mom!"

As a single mom, most of the time not knowing what I'm doing, I almost stood in the Primary Room and cried! I was so proud of my little man and that he can impress the teachers. He really is a smart little boy but, it makes me proud, as his mom, to have other people tell me that.

Aside from church stuff the kid is always impressing me ... He knows all of his numbers and letters and can write his name. And the other day we were walking up to the grocery store and he sounded out "food" on the side of the building. I kind of looked at him in shock but, still very impressed that the kid just read 'food'!

He's a stud and such a good kid ... I'm pretty much lucky to be his mom! (Even on the days that I'm ready for bed at 5:30!!)

Mind your Mother!!

Last night we were helping a friend get moved in and Kason walked up to me and had a penny in his mouth. I told him, "If you swallow that - you're gonna die! Take it out of your mouth!" (this is a common thing around our house ...). He took it out and walked away. 

I kid you not, 3 minutes later, Kason walks back up to me with PANIC on his face. I ask him what's wrong ... he says, "I swallowed it!!!" followed by panicked tears. 

I had to suppress my laughter and ask him, "Where IS the penny? Is it in your throat?" 

With tears streaming down his face he pointed to his tummy. Okay, we were good - he wasn't going to choke on it and die. I relaxed and picked him up. 

"Kason ... you're not going to die. The penny is already in your tummy. You'll be just fine. I promise."

He took awhile to believe me and to really understand that he wasn't going to die from swallowing a penny! I felt horrible but at the same time, I was laughing so hard about it! I never actually thought he would swallow the penny and I would be sitting there eating my words! 

I'm hoping this puts an end to money going in that little boys mouth!!

Today ...

I am feeling ... 

Grateful

I sit here and read back over everything I went through in 2009 and I realize that my life was turned UPSIDE DOWN at that time. During the actual trial I don't think I realized how upside down it really was because, well, I was in survival mode. I did whatever it took to make it through each day, and sometimes, each hour. I read back now, and I wonder how I ever did it. How did I survive the roller coaster of the hospital? or the emotional exhaustion that came along with it? 

Then I continue to read and I realize, I survived because of the blessings Heavenly Father gave me at that time ... a bed to sleep in, a wonderful son to make me smile, amazing friends to hold me up and support me, and wonderful family to guide me through everything. Yes, at the time, I was very grateful for these blessings but, now, I am even more grateful and appreciative of these blessings. 

To steal from my own facebook page ... "when you get right down to it, each and every one of us, regardless of our current situations in life, is very, very, very blessed. Heavenly Father will never leave us with out the blessings we deserve. However, it is entirely up to US to recognize the blessings placed in front of us. As I sit here and think about my husband passing away, or being a single mom, or struggling through certain periods of life, I realize that all along, I have had EXACTLY what I needed at that time. As I read back through what I went through... in 2009, I was INCREDIBLY blessed to have people standing by my side who love me very very much and they supported me through 6 weeks of hell in the ICU, they supported me through the death of my husband and they supported me through the aftermath of his passing. So, yes, life isn't easy, and life is challenging as HECK ... but if you EVER think that Heavenly Father leaves you stranded - you had better think again. He gives you just what you need - but do YOU recognize it?"

I think that too often, we are left wondering why we're left standing alone during a trial. In reality, we need to look right in front of us and realize that we HAVE the blessings we need to make it through a difficult time. Are we too stubborn to recognize them? Are we too blind to accept that they are our blessings? Perhaps the blessings come in a way that we weren't expecting and we let them pass us by without acknowledgment. 

Yes, life is challenging. Life is HARD. Life is exhausting. But, look around you and realize that there is SO much to be grateful for. It can all be taken away from you in a split second, so why not live for today ... enjoy this very moment ... recognize the good around you ... be grateful for what you have, regardless of whether is easy or hard ... and thank our Heavenly Father for the life he has given you. 

Life is short, why not make the best of it.

Be grateful. 

Be happy. 

Recognize your blessings.

(collage can be clicked on to be seen larger ...)

 Kason turned 3 ... Michael Buble concert ... Brian Regan ... Cabo cruise ... made lots of new friends ... hiked all over Utah ... trip to Arizona in May ... BYU vs. Utah game ... Denver trip ... Lupus walk ... 4th of July ... day at Lagoon ... Davies family reunion ... drive-in movies ... viper races ... trip to California and Sea World ... trip to Arizona ... YEAR MARK ... Halloween ... meeting Neon Trees ... Nickelback concert ... Temple Christmas lights ... meeting the Grinch ... and so so so much more that made our year full of fun and new experiences! 


Welcome 2011!

Dear 2010,

Have you ever heard the saying that bad things come in three’s? I have heard it time and time again, and in all honesty, I’m hoping that it’s true. Because the last three years, have been some of the hardest of my life, and if that statement holds true, then this past year SHOULD be the last of my challenging years. That’s not to say I won’t still have hard times, but it seems as if I have been on an insane roller coaster since the beginning of 2008 and well, guess what? I am SO ready to get off that roller coaster. I’m ready for solid ground, for things to make sense and to not feel dizzy all the time.

I remember at the beginning of 2010 I was so excited for what was to come. I thought I would learn and grow a lot during this year. I was ready for new changes in life, meeting new people, working towards the type of person I knew I wanted to be. But, as I look back over 2010, I’m not proud. Yes, I have proud moments … but, for the most part, I’m not happy with how I handled you, 2010.

During this year, I messed up a lot. I made choices I was not proud of at all. Unfortunately, given the chance, I would probably make those same mistakes. Have I not learned the things you have tried to teach me, 2010? I have realized how stubborn I really am and it worries me that lessons will need to be attempted multiple times before I truly realize the importance of them. There are times over the past 12 months that I am embarrassed of the type of mother I was, or in reality, the lack thereof. It has only been in the last few months of this year that I have truly come to love and appreciate the blessing my son is in my life. I am also embarrassed to look back and see the type of friend I was. I made new friends, lost friends, became best friends and destroyed friendships. At the same time, I know I would not have made it through the past year without my loyal friends by my side. I have lost touch with the gospel and reconnected with it, as I realized how hard life was without it. I have failed many people, hopefully helped some people and unfortunately, fallen short in my expectations for myself.

Over the past 12 months, I have fallen in love, I have fallen out of love, I have watched as friends have fallen in love and gotten married, I have dated some serious weirdos, I have learned from my relationships, I have realized how important it is to date GOOD men, I have understood the importance  of having the Spirit with me at ALL times during ALL situations, I have understood the need to have wonderful, faithful friends. One of the most challenging parts of 2010, is the loneliness I had to endure. There were nights where I would sit at home, and cry because of the pain of being alone. There were other nights where I would sit at home and stew in frustration over being a single mom. Things have not been easy and realizing the reality of my new life, has been a challenge for me.

I do not want you to think that you were all bad … I had some amazing vacations, some amazing memories, made some INCREDIBLE friends and met some wonderful people. I reached one of my biggest accomplishments this year, it may seem futile to you, but I hit the “year mark” of being a widow. I was so afraid of that date, but when I reached it, I knew I had done everything alone, once. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries – I had done them all. I was so proud. I was able to do some serious self-analysis this year, all in good ways, it helped me learn and grow and realize what I needed to change about myself to become a better person. Some of the people I have met this year, have helped shape and mold me into who I know I need to be. I am grateful for that. I am thankful to live near family. I am so glad that I live in Utah, surrounded by some of the best people I know, while at the same time, feeling homesick for Arizona where another group of amazing people live. I have felt so much love and support this year, regardless of my current situation.

So … yes, 2010, you were rough and you sure made me learn some lessons in very challenging ways! But, without you, I would not be looking back over the past year giving myself a pep-talk that I WILL do better in 2011. I will learn the lessons I need to learn, I will do it with my head held high and I will make 2011 a happier year, a year filled with better accomplishments, more pride, and greater personal fulfillment. I want to be able to stand here, 365 days from now and be completely proud of myself. That is what you taught me 2010 … it does not matter what you have done in the past, the best thing you can do for yourself is learn from your past and then look forward and make your future better than your past. Thank you for that lesson, 2010. Now, with all due respect, good riddance to you and may the promise of the ‘bad things in 3’s’ be true!!

Sincerely,

Older-Wiser-More Determined … Me!  

Life is Tiring ... no, EXHAUSTING.

Remember when this blog used to be fun and I would post pictures and all sorts of cool things we were doing? Man, those days sure seem to be long gone. Kason and I still do those things ... I just don't make the time to post about them. 

Now it seems that this blog is turning into a journal of my thoughts, things I'm going through, the life I'M living. 

And tonight? 

I'm missing Kameron.
I've been missing him bad for the last 4 days. I haven't cried this much in months. In fact, I've cried everyday, at the drop of a hat, since Thursday. And I'm not sure why. What makes right now different? What makes these past four days harder than the ones before? 

I haven't the slightest idea. 

I'm trying to figure it out, sort out my emotions, determine why I'm feeling this way. 

I feel SO alone. I haven't felt this alone since the few weeks following his death. I have these urges to constantly be talking to someone just so I won't feel alone. Any opportunity I have to be with people, I'm there, because I can't stand to be alone. I won't drop Kason off anywhere, if I can avoid it, because I need him with me. But at the same time, I feel like I've been a horrible mom to him for no reason at all.

Tonight, as I read through my blog posts of a year ago, of the weeks leading up to Kam's death and the weeks following his death. The posts of the things I wish I had done differently and the things I love about Kameron ... I sat here and cried. Then I thought to myself: "Will I ever be able to find someone who loved me as much as Kameron?" 

That ... is why I'm feeling this way. 

I am tired of being alone. 

I'm tired of being a single mom and doing it all by myself.
I'm tired of worrying about things alone. 

I'm tired of not having someone to watch my sports games with or my tv shows with.

I'm tired of not having someone to cuddle up with me on the couch. 

I'm tired of not having someone to cook for. 

I'm tired of coming home to an empty house and waking up in an empty house.

I'm tired of not having that "constant". 

I'm tired ... no, I'm exhausted by it all. 

As I was sitting here tonight crying and thinking about all of this and trying to figure out how I'm supposed to work through this, my thoughts turned to Primary today. Sister Thurgood talked about prayer. I remembered her saying how no matter what our prayers are heard and answered and no matter when or where we could pray. 

I've heard that since before I was in nursery, I'm sure. 

I've been told the same principle over and over and over again for the last 25 years. And yet, sometimes, the principle falls from my grasp and I forget about it. I forget how simple it is to ASK for help. Sure, I pray all day about the things I'm grateful for but sometimes, it takes a LOT to humble ourselves enough to ASK for help.

Why is this such a challenging thing for me?! Why can't I just get on my knees, ask for help and then follow through by doing my part? 

I think part of it ... is lack of faith. I fear what my answers to things will be. And because I'm fearing them ... I am not having enough faith. Another part of it? Is sometimes I don't feel worthy enough to be praying to Him.

Silly, silly, girl! How can I think that?! I forget what He did for us. I forget that He promised He would always be there for us, regardless of our lives and our situations and our "unworthiness".... 

He doesn't ever walk away.
WE are the ones that walk away, turn the lights off and close the door. 

WE make the decision to do that. 

Never, ever, is it Him. 

And up until tonight? I had been the one who betrayed Him. Who walked away from Him and had forgotten the support He is.

So, yes I am exhausted by being alone and doing this all alone. But at the same time ... am I really alone? Of course not ... and I need to be a million times better about remembering that. I don't ever have to worry about being alone ... I just need to worry about remembering promises I've been given. And I need to be willing to never give up. By doing that, the only one who has won is Satan. 

May tomorrow be better than today.

May we always remember what has been promised us.

May we live up to our expectations from Him.

And may we always do our personal best! 

: )

6 years ago ...

tonight I was eating Bahama Bucks in Mesa, Arizona with Kameron, Mason and my bridesmaids. I was giggling with my girls about the fact that I was getting married in the morning. I was worried about getting married. I couldn't believe it was actually happening. 

Tomorrow is our 6th anniversary. And never in a million-trillion years would I have imagined that I would be spending my 6th wedding anniversary as a single mom and with my hubby in heaven. 

Never. 

But, I'm doing it. And it's going to come whether I want it to or not. I thought it might be an okay day, but tonight I'm getting emotional about it. I don't want to do it alone. I don't want to face the emotions without someone by my side. And right now, I don't have anyone lined up. And that scares me. 

(I lied ... I did have someone lined up but they got called into work for tomorrow. perfect)

So, I'm sitting here, watching Cold Case, which is a show that Kameron and I loved to watch together and I'm thinking about my life. I never would have chosen this for me. And it doesn't seem fair that I had to research headstones today. I wouldn't have expected to be strong enough to go through something like this. 

Life isn't fair sometimes. We are dealt things that seem too extreme to handle. 

But, you know what? 

It's always going to be better in the end. We may have rough days (anniversary's alone, year marks, whatever they may be) but, the next day, or maybe the day after that, will be better. It's up to US to find the sunshine in our days. 

So, yes tomorrow is my 6th anniversary. And yes, I am having to do it somewhat alone. But, when I look at who I am now, I'm glad I'm doing this anniversary alone. Heavenly Father needs me to do this anniversary alone and He needs me to become someone. I can't become that someone without going through the trials that have been laid out for me in my life. 

Honestly ... I hope I survive tomorrow. I'm sure I will but, not without some tears shed. It's weird looking back over the past 6 years and seeing how things have changed. How I have changed. I have the coolest little boy that I am so grateful for that I wouldn't have gotten had I not chosen to get married 6 years ago. 

My life is hard. But, when I sit down and really think about it ... I'm incredibly blessed and I love my life. 

So, here's to 6 years of being married and for 10 months of being single. 

How's that for a weird sentence?

***

I really do have every intention of getting this blog up to date ... it's just so time consuming and I don't make the time to do it. Soon, I hope. 

Also, thanks for letting me just get that out. It was very much needed. 

Grateful ...

Today, I almost didn't go to church. I was dragging my feet in getting ready. I was hoping my son would sleep in really late so I would have an excuse to not go. I was tired, I wasn't in the mood to wrangle a 3 year old during sacrament & I was just wishing I could have a lazy day at home. But, I grudgingly got ready for church, Kason woke up in time to get to church and off we went. Albeit, we were late to Sacrament but, at least we were there.

Once Sunday School started Sister Schofield said we would be talking about how to prepare our homes and families for returning to the Lord. I thought, "I LOVE lessons like this - learning from the Israelites how I can be a better person." It really made me think about what I need to do in my home, or improve in my home so that the Spirit really can reside there. And it made me question how I'm living my life ... Am I really centering my life around Christ? Or could I be doing better? I've been wondering for a little while if I need to find a new circle of friends. I love my friends but, some of them have some qualities that I just don't enjoy being around. I always get uncomfortable when certain topics, they enjoy talking about, come up. I now know what it's like to be the girl in those Young Women stories they always tell ... the little Molly Mormon in an uncomfortable situation. And I'm ashamed to say, that I haven't always reacted the way that I should. And I hate that I've done that ... but after today's lesson ~ I have a new resolve to be the person I know that I really am and not conform to what society wants or what my group of friends want.

As Relief Society sisters started filing in for class, a girl named Jen came and sat next to me. Her husband was just diagnosed with MS in December and they have been having a REALLY rough go with it. His health is declining quickly and she is having to pick up all the slack for their family. As I learned of what she was going through I couldn't help but relate to what she is dealing with. My heart breaks for her and I completely empathize with her life struggles right now. I had been kind of distant from her because I just didn't know what to say. I had so much going on inside my head that I wanted to come out but, I didn't know how to say it. She had been on my mind so much these past few days and every time I drove passed her house I thought, I really need to check on her. And I had yet to do anything about those promptings.

Well, the Relief Society lesson today was on service & our stewardship. I was constantly being reminded of the sweet acts of service that had been done for me over the past few years. And I shared a quote that has become one of my motto's in life: "Those with true love, have windows in their lives, not mirrors." (President Brent L. Top) ... and I love that because as we focus on other outside of our home, everything else falls into place. We have more time for our lives and more time to focus on the important things.

Well, after the lesson I leaned over the Jen and I said, "I'm not just saying this because of the lesson we just had...but, I want to check on you. I have been thinking about you so much this past week and what your going through and it all just sucks. There's no other way to put it. And if you ever EVER need anything ... PLEASE don't hesitate to call me."

She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "Thank you." She had this look in her eyes that I remember seeing SO many times in my own reflection. Desperate for help, exhausted from the trials, frustrated with the path. I knew it all too well.

I turned to her and with tears in my eyes told her that I can understand the trials. I can empathize with the trials in her life. I wanted her to know that I was there for her, regardless of when it was. We sat and both cried. As I hugged her she whispered in my ear ... "Thank you so much." And right then, I hoped and prayed that she could feel of my love for her. No daughter of God should EVER have to feel alone and lost during a trial and I, again, hope and pray that she never has those feelings. I wanted her to know that I was there, I understood and I get that it sucks dealing with a grouchy husband and a complete lifestyle change.

As I walked out of church today I felt amazing. I felt as if all life's drama was gone, I felt as if I had no trials, no worries, no struggles. I was incredibly grateful I decided to roll out of bed today. I was reminded that the Lord is watching out for me and sending me subtle hints on how to improve my self and my life. He wants me to succeed, He wants me to be shaped and molded in to a certain person and He is willing to be patient and understanding as I figure that out. I am so grateful for the blessing of promptings and guidance as I live my life. I am SO incredibly grateful that I have been blessed with the Gift of the Holy Ghost to guide me down the straight and narrow and to direct back to that path as I sometimes wander off.

Today, I am especially grateful that I decided to go to Relief Society. That I choose to sit where I did and that Jen decided to sit next to me. I am grateful I got the courage to talk to her and say what had really been on my mind and just let her know that I am there for her. My institute teacher said on multiple occasions: Nothing is ever a coincidence. Everything in life happens for a reason. And I truly believe that. Every aspect of our lives are guided and directed by our Heavenly Father. And I am eternally grateful for that because you know what? I wouldn't want ANYONE else guiding my life. As I turn my life to Him, I will be given the best opportunities for growth, the best chances at learning and the most amazing experiences in life. It's all a matter of choice and if we choose to turn our lives to our Heavenly Father and say to Him, "make me who YOU need me to be." ... we will become incredible people and you will be able to see His hand in your life each day. All you have to do is look for it.

This is what I'm excited about ...

Today is OPENING DAY for Major League Baseball.
I'm sporting my Diamondbacks Sedona Red ... and I'm so excited.
I absolutely love baseball and I think I love it even more this year because Kameron was such a big fan (hmmm...maybe it will do the Dbacks good to have a huge fan on the other side to help 'em out.)
It is SO much fun to have baseball on my tv again. I honestly have been in the best mood today because it's the first game of the season. It's also making me somewhat homesick to be in Arizona. But, I'll get to atleast a few games this season so I can look forward to that. I'm just thrilled it's baseball season.

On Saturday ... I'm going on a cruise. I cannot WAIT.
Me and my good friend, April, are going together.
We are leaving from San Diego and will be going to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.
I'm really super excited. I'm a little nervous because honestly, the ocean scares me.
BUT - I am excited to just relax and have fun for 5 days. I cannot WAIT! In Cabo we will do a city tour (and shopping and yummy food) and then the next day we're doing ziplining and repelling. I've got SO much work to do to get ready but Saturday can't come soon enough!

 

I cannot WAIT to take my final and have a break from school. I've loved being in school but, I've got some serious spring fever. I'm actually really going to miss going to institute every week. But, it's been a good semester, I'm just ready for a little break. 

Summer. Enough said.